Death is Only the Beginning
by SpikedRose09
Summary: Set in an alternate universe, the final battle of season seven does not end in victory, but in tragedy. Now, Buffy is a 16-year-old vampire slayer who just moved to Sunnydale with her mom. Miserable with her new responsibilities, Buffy struggles with her identity and mortality. When a mysterious vampire claims to have known her, loved her, in another life, will she believe him?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I know what is in your heart, what thrives there beneath the surface and I know that you cannot fall this hard alone. I wish you would have never allowed yourself to get involved with such a manipulative creature. Breathing in the airs of love and death at the same time, how can you live this way? There is never going to be a simple way of distancing your fervid desire for love from your perverse fascination with death. You cannot reconcile without becoming the one thing you were sworn to fight and I will not be there for the transition. I'm afraid that you need to make a choice and I want to say that I will be here for you if you need me, but I cannot. I'm sorry. Giles.

_One Month Earlier_

The cemetery was quiet tonight, which wasn't what Buffy wanted. She wanted to fight something right now, she didn't care what, in fact she wouldn't mind if the cemetery was flooded with demons and vampires from all over Sunnydale, she would kill every single one. Her hot blood was pumping through her veins with the adrenaline of a hundred athletes on steroids. It had been another long day and she was beginning to think that the rest of her days were going to be like this, which she didn't like the thought of.

She hadn't even had the chance to adjust to Sunnydale and her new life before Giles ruined her denial of being a normal high school girl. Now she was patrolling every night and even though it was almost Christmas she still hadn't met any friends or had the opportunity to go out and be normal. She had met a couple of people at school, but Giles wasn't sure if it was a good idea to involve anyone else in her life because of her dangerous calling. Willow was really smart and totally in love with her best friend Xander, both of them had tried to become Buffy's friends and had even tried to guess what was going on in her life. But Giles didn't approve whenever they would come around the library to see Buffy.

Buffy couldn't believe how awful her life was. She should be excited because she was helping a lot of people and she even had some kick ass power and strength, but nothing was making her happy. How could she be happy when every night she came home covered in vampire dust and had to rub the blood out of her clothes so her mom wouldn't ask about it? How could she be happy when the only person who knew her secret was withholding friends and even love from her? Giles was assigned a slayer when he was younger, and she died because he didn't know what he was doing, because he hadn't kept a close enough eye on her. Now Buffy wasn't allowed to do anything.

Sitting on top of a tomb stone, Buffy took her feet out of her strappy sandals to let her toes run over the cool grass. She always wondered how the grass could be so green and happy when it was growing over a dead person. Letting the clammy death grass caress her feet, Buffy felt like screaming. What was she doing? It was a Friday night and she was sitting alone in a graveyard with a stick in her hand waiting to kill something. How was there any hope for her? She wanted friends, she wanted to fall in love, and she wanted to be happy. But why wasn't saving the world good enough for her? She was sixteen and she already had an expiration date, Buffy still didn't know what to think about that.

While Buffy's inner dialogue was tearing away at the little hope she had left, she missed the sensitive hairs standing up on her neck. There was a vampire nearby and she should've noticed immediately, but for some reason she didn't. Buffy looked around the graveyard and decided that there wasn't going to be any action tonight. She stood up and slid her sandals back on and started to walk towards the exit of the cemetery.

Dressed all in black, he hid in the shadows watching her, the slayer. He wasn't afraid of her like other vampires were, no, not at all. He watched as she thought intensely within her mind and danced her toes on the grass, he needed to know what she was thinking, it was killing him. When she got up and started walking away he wanted to run to her and tell her everything that she would need to know for the coming days, but he knew he would only get a stake to the heart. He would wait.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

When Buffy got home, she had hoped her mom would already be asleep. But there was no such luck.

"Hi Buffy, where have you been?" Buffy's mom Joyce chimed as the front door opened.

"I was just walking around, it's pretty nice outside right now."

"Honey, it's eleven thirty at night and you were just _walking_ around?"

"Yea mom, its no big deal," Buffy just wanted to go upstairs and be by herself.

"Since we moved here you go out for these _walks_ every night and you sulk around here like you are a zombie. Are you on drugs? Are you fighting again? Tell me what's going on," Joyce's voice started to get louder with every accusation.

"No and no mom. Everything is fine, just peachy. You need to relax," Buffy was trying to brush off her mother, just like every other time she freaked out about Buffy's habits. She started to walk towards the stairs to go up to her room.

"Do not walk away from me young lady. You think that you can just brush me aside and patronize me with the same load of crap you used to when we were in Los Angeles. I don't think so, now you are going to tell me what's going on," Joyce was furious with her daughter, they had move once already because of her and now she acts like she never does anything wrong.

"Mom, nothing is going on. We have been here for months now and you haven't heard anything from school and you haven't seen me on the news, what more do you want from me?" Buffy hated that she couldn't be honest with her mom, but she knew that Joyce would never understand.

"I want an explanation. You are sixteen you should have a million friends and you should be having sleepovers and you should be happy, but you aren't and I need to know why. I know the divorce was hard on you and that you probably miss your dad, but there is no reason for you to be this way. Am I a bad mother?" Joyce felt so helpless because she felt like she should know exactly what her daughter needed but she didn't. She started to cry.

"You aren't a bad mother," Buffy walked over to her mom and put her arms around her. "I have just been having a hard time adjusting to the new school, the classes are a lot harder and I don't know a lot of people. I'll be fine, just give me some more time," Buffy lied. She wasn't sure if all the time in the world would be enough to make her happy. She was the chosen one, the one girl in all the world to fight the vampires, demons, and forces of darkness, how could she ever be normal enough for her mom or for anyone.

"I'm sorry that I got mad before, but we have already moved once. Buffy I just want you to be happy, you are only sixteen, you have your whole life ahead of you to meet friends and live your life. Everything will be fine," Joyce hugged her daughter and gave a big hopeful smile.

Buffy hugged her mom back and told her that she was tired and was going to bed. When Buffy got into her room she crawled into bed and curled up into a ball and started to cry. She wanted to believe that everything was going to be fine, but how could she when she always felt like she was dying inside? Her body was shaking with the sobs escaping her lips and her pillow was slowly getting wet and salty from her tears. She had no one, even Giles wouldn't let himself get too close to her, she was just another ticking time bomb.

The breeze that was coming in from the window had the faintest smell of cigarette smoke. He had followed her from the cemetery and perched himself outside her window. He was wondering how she could get away with being the slayer without telling her mom about it, that must be killing her inside. When he felt that she was coming upstairs he slid to the side of the window so that she wouldn't see him. As soon as she collapsed on the bed and started to cry, he wanted to go to her and wrap his arms around her. He couldn't stand seeing her cry and he wanted to kiss away her tears and tell her that everything was going to be fine. Because it was all going to be fine from now on, he was going to make sure of that.

He stayed outside her window until he was sure that she was asleep. He took out a pencil and some paper and watched her as she slept, maybe all she needed was a little hope. That's how it would start and then he would give her the world.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Buffy could feel her eyes were all puffy when she woke up in the morning and she just wanted to fall back asleep. When she realized she was still in her patrolling clothes from last night she got up to put on some pajamas before going back to sleep indefinitely. The wind coming in from the window had gotten colder over night and Buffy walked over to the window to close it and then encase it with her heavy drapes. There was a piece of paper that she guessed had gotten blown over here and she picked it up and then shut the window. As she got back into bed she looked at the piece of paper she had found on the floor and realized that it was really fancy paper, nothing she would ever use.

When she unfolded the paper she was looking at a drawing of herself, sleeping peacefully. At the bottom of the drawing there was a signature and a small note.

Don't cry my love. It is just the beginning.

William.

Buffy was afraid to think that she was awake and that this drawing was real. Because if it was that meant that someone out there was paying attention to her and she didn't know how to feel about that. She decided that for now she would relish in the fact that this William called her his love and that the drawing was exquisite and made her look so beautiful. She laid in bed for the rest of the day daydreaming about William and looking at the picture he had left for her. For the first time in a long time she felt a sliver of hope.

It was another Saturday night of patrolling. Buffy told her mom something about going out to a movie and then to the mall so that she wouldn't freak out again. Buffy had taken a bunch of back roads to the cemetery tonight and luckily got to slay a few vamps along the way. She was feeling great tonight, her mind was filled with happy thoughts of a secret admirer and her body was buzzing from the fight. She spotted two vampires outside a mausoleum when she got into the graveyard and decided that she was up for a little two on one action.

"Well hello boys," Buffy walked right up to them and surprised them with a low spiraling kick that made them fall to the ground. Quicker than she would have liked, one of them jumped back up and started to circle her.

"Slayer."

"Yes that would be me. What should I call you? Oh, right…Dust." Buffy danced around the two vampires who were clearly new to the game and easily staked both of them within a few minutes. She was disappointed it happened so quickly, but she knew that there were going to be many more out there tonight.

He loved to watch her fight, it was a beautiful dance of death. Her golden hair would swish around her gorgeous face which always expressed satisfaction at her enemy's demise. Her body was perfectly toned and agile, he could feel himself getting aroused just thinking about the things that her body could do to a man. Her strength was incomparable to any other woman's on this earth and he wanted to know all of it. He had to calm himself down if he was going to talk to her tonight. He had waited years for this moment and he needed it to go well. While lost in his thoughts, Buffy came across another vampire and started to spar with him. But he was an older one and more advanced than the others she was used to fighting, she started to lose ground.

Buffy thought she could handle this one, they were all supposed to be the same and she had killed many vampires in her short time as the slayer, so why was this one doing so much better? She was getting scared because he would just block everything she threw at him, even her distracting quips weren't working. The vampire had backed her into the side of a mausoleum, how did that happen? He grabbed her by the throat and pinned her against the wall, not allowing her time to get her stake up to his chest. His face lowered to her neck and she knew that it was time for her to die.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

He was running as fast as he could to get to her. He could see the vampire starting to lower his fangs to her throat and as he got closer he could see a look of relief on Buffy's face. He would ask her about that at another time, right now he just had to get her out of this cemetery alive whether she liked it or not.

He grabbed the vampire by the back of his neck and pulled him off of her. The vampire was dust in the wind before he even hit the ground. Buffy was still against the mausoleum in shock that she wasn't dying right now. She knew she should be happy that she wasn't dead, but for the second that she thought she was going to die she had been happy, happier then she had been in a long time. All the sudden her arms were being gripped by someone and she came crashing back to reality.

"Pet are you alright? Talk to me. Are you hurt?"

When Buffy's vision cleared up she found that she was looking into the clearest and most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen. His whole face was beautiful, chiseled cheekbones and full lips. She could feel his hands gripped around her upper arms trying to get her to focus on him, his touch was making her knees tremble. His voice was British and the loveliest voice she had ever heard.

He could see that she was still a little shocked and decided to lift her up and move her over to a bench in a better-lit part of the graveyard. His arms were around her and they were walking, but all Buffy could think of was how great he felt around her. When he sat her down on the bench, he kneeled down in front of her to try to get her to talk to him.

"Luv, come on, are you ok? Are you hurt?"

Buffy finally snapped out of it but couldn't stop looking at him.

"I think I'm fine. I'm not bleeding so that's a good sign. Are you ok?"

"Me?" He couldn't help but chuckle wholeheartedly at her concern. "Don't worry about me luv, I wasn't the one being attacked. I'm so glad that you are alright, you have no idea."

"Do I know you from somewhere? I feel like I have known you before," Buffy was confused at her behavior around this man, she was acting just like a normal sixteen year old girl and that was a new feeling.

He took her hands in his and decided that it was time to tell her everything that she was going to need to know, or at least start it, it was a very long story.

"Buffy, my name is William, and I have been waiting for you for as long as I can remember."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"William…" His name was barely a whisper on her lips. This gorgeous man who saved her was the same man who left her the drawing with the note. Buffy's thoughts were swimming because she was still a bit shocked at her still being alive, if he wasn't there she would be dead. Why was he there? Had he been following her? For how long? How did he know her name? As quickly as it had all seemed like a good idea, it all the sudden wasn't. She was finally thinking about the bigger picture and it was frightening her. Buffy had no idea who this man was and even though he had saved her – wait he staked a vampire. How would he know how to do that?

William could see all of Buffy's inner questioning darkening her green eyes and he was convinced that he probably wasn't doing a very good job of explaining himself. But how do you tell the woman you have been waiting for your whole life that she is the key to everything, that her love for him will save the world? He would have to do this another way. He let go of her hands and moved to sit next to her on the bench, maybe a less romantic position would help his cause.

"Buffy, you do not know me, but your soul does. It doesn't make sense I know, but it will eventually. Right now I just need to you understand that I am here to help you and not to harm you. I am a friend, an ally, maybe more," William was sincerely trying his best not to babble. Apparently he wasn't doing a very good job of it because Buffy was already standing on her feet, perched for another attack.

"You touched me and you were freezing. You knew how to stake a vampire. I can feel my skin beginning to crawl. You do realize that none of these are good, right?" Buffy couldn't hold back her confusion or disdain for this cruel joke that was being played on her.

"Buffy, no. I mean, I know this looks bad. But if you would just give me a second to explain…" all he felt was Buffy's fine leather boot heel connecting to his face.

"I am not going to fight with you." He was doing his damndest to avoid being hit, but also to avoid hurting her.

"You…are…a…vampire!" She emphasized each word with a more severe punch to William's head. "And you come to my house?! And draw a beautiful picture of me and write a gooshy love note on it? I knew you vampires were diabolical, but playing with me like this is a whole new low," Buffy could not contain her anger anymore. Hadn't she suffered enough? Wouldn't she suffer enough in the days and years to come? The small sliver of hope that she had had because of this William guy was going to be the last time she ever believed in anything.

Still weathering the kicks and punches without any harm to Buffy, William started to plan a new strategy. A strategy that was going to be extremely dangerous, but possibly the only way for her to see. To really see.

He knew that she liked kicking him in the head by now, especially given that he wasn't fighting back. The next time her foot whipped around to connect with his face, William swiftly grabbed it and flung her down to the ground. "Fine, you want a fight—let's have it." Buffy flipped back up to her feet and William fought back. Buffy felt like they had fought together before, it was exhilarating, almost choreographed.

William got the upper hand when he finally got her arms behind her back and pushed her against the side of a mausoleum. She knew there was no way out of this one. This vampire with the beautiful eyes and diabolical scheme to soften her heart would kill her…she could think of worse ways to die. He pressed his body against hers and he could feel her relax. Being this close to her again reminded him of his other life, where they had fought and loved often and not exclusively. He had to calm himself down—he was trying to prove a point.

"Go ahead! Just do it already! I figured you wanted me to yourself anyway, you get to tell all your buddies how you bagged a slayer. Woohoo!" Buffy was delirious with anger and despair. Now was the second time in the same night that she was willing and ready to die. More ready to die than willing to live. A flicker of relief crossed her green eyes and she went limp, waiting for peace.

Again, with the look of relief, as if somehow death would bring her more happiness than living, how did this happen to her? William had her pinned and she was just going to sit there and take whatever he was going to do to her. She wasn't ready.

"You do understand that I haven't really fought you back at all right? That in fact I saved your life back there? And what are you going on about with this whole 'just do it already' gig? Are you a complete moron in this life?"

Buffy opened her eyes and looked at him as he ranted about her actions. What was he bitching about? This life? What the hell did that mean?

"Are you quite done? Cause if you're not going to kill me, I'd rather just go home and get these stains out thank you very much," Buffy thought it best at this moment to get away from this vampire. If he wasn't going to kill her or fight her, then what was he going to do to her? Maybe he was what he said he was, a friend, an ally, maybe more. Buffy could feel her limp legs come back to life at the thought of having 'maybe more' with this beautiful person. Shaking herself out of that fantasy, he could still be the worst kind of vampire, one who plays games with his food. She could see it now, entrusting him to her every hope and wish, falling for him, only to be tortured and torn to itty bitty shreds when he was through with her.

He could see that battle going on behind those beautiful green eyes again, still trying to figure him out. He didn't know of another way for him to explain himself to her, explain everything to her without employing his original, extremely dangerous strategy. But he could tell she wasn't ready.

William got right next to her ear. "Since you are not ready to hear me out just yet luv, we'll have to do this again sometime soon." With that he moved his lips to her neck. Buffy, despite hearing what he said, knew he was going to bite her now. What else did vampires do when given a pretty neck full of precious slayer blood. Come on already, she thought.

He put his cool lips to her neck, kissed it softly, then just play with her, he nibbled her delicate flesh with his blunt teeth. Then he whispered, "Bye pet."

William took off running into the night and he was long gone before Buffy opened her eyes again. Why am I alive? Buffy thought she would feel an immeasurable amount of pain from blood loss about now, but instead she was extremely turned on.

"What just happened?" She asked herself as she stood paralyzed against the mausoleum. Buffy could feel his unneeded breath imprinted on her neck and when she reached her hand to touch where he had just barely ran his teeth over her, she pulled her hand back so fast as if there was a brand there still waiting to cool—no blood.

He hadn't killed her, why not? Wasn't slayer blood supposed to be an all-consuming temptation for vampires. _What if I taste bad?_ she thought."Shut up Buffy," she said aloud to herself.

Buffy started to walk slowly home, feeling completely confused, then she thought about the turned on thing. She could still feel evidence of her unintended desire clinging to her new lace panties as she walked.

William watched her from a safe distance, but could easily see how frenzied he had left her, that and the sweet smell of desire she had emanating from her. He had definitely left an impression and the whole not killing her thing should work to his advantage. William was hoping she would pay attention next time.

If she didn't he would have to tie her up, then again she probably wouldn't mind a little bondage, after all, she hadn't in the past.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Buffy quietly got passed all the obstacles she usually had when she got home. Luckily, her mother had gone to bed early. She went straight to her bedroom and leaned against the door when she got inside. Looking at her reflection, Buffy knew she shouldn't be alive right now.

As much as she had been ready to die, she couldn't deny how wonderful her room looked, comfortable. When she laid down in bed she curled herself around Mr. Gordo and decided it would be better to tackle all the lingering question she had about William in the morning. She was still unsure if bringing Giles up to speed was a good idea, let alone how he would react.

Buffy was hoping for a peaceful night of sleep devoid of school and the beautiful vampire—but to no avail.

The beginning of dream looked like any other typical morning; Buffy was getting ready for school, trying on a few different outfits before settling on a blue skirt with a white tank top and sandals. She kissed her mom goodbye and went off to school.

When she got there, everything looked the same at Sunnydale High as she walked in the main hall.

"Hey Buffy, how did patrol go last night? Any big baddies out there?" Chirped Willow, the smart redhead that helped Buffy the first day of class. To her own surprise, dream Buffy responded warmly to the girl.

"It was fine, nothing I couldn't handle except studying for a French final on the graveyard shift wasn't such a good idea. Any chance for a cram session before we go in there?" Buffy looked pleadingly at her friend.

"We can try, but Buff, it's French tomorrow. Today is history," Willow said sheepishly.

"What?! No way! I'm never graduating." Buffy pouted as they walked down the hallway, Xander the dark-haired friend of Willows jumping into line with them. "Sure you are Buffster. Cause if we both fail we end up at the hut of pizza delivering greasy goodies to all our rich counterparts, and we don't want that.'

"No, no grease." Buffy's eyes widened at the thought.

Dream Buffy, Willow and Xander crammed history together as they walked towards the library. When she saw Giles greet her dream self, she was surprised at how energetic and happy he looked.

"Almost done with finals now are we? Then off to college. Who would've thought, a slayer going off to college." Giles pondered the ramifications of his slayer going away, and of course he was worried but he had grown to trust her reliability as a slayer and as a young woman.

"It's going to be great, you should see the library there Giles, it's huge, perfect for research parties!" Willow was ecstatic.

"Willow, please just let us survive high school before talking about more work, ok?" Xander pleaded with his overzealous friend.

"Right. History final. Gotcha."

They were all getting along so well, going off to college together and they knew her secret and Giles was fine with it. She must be dreaming about what she wants her life to be like, because her Giles would never allow this level of normalcy.

The speed of the dream accelerated so that Buffy was just barely catching glimpses of things. Her in college, fighting demons and vampires. Her mom getting sick. A battle. Then she saw his face. William was holding dream Buffy, he had tears mixing with blood as he cried holding onto her body. As he held her lifeless body, he let out a desperate scream, "NOOOOO!"

Buffy was startled when she woke up, still holding Mr. Gordo, William's scream ringing in her ears. She had had slayer dreams before, all doom and gloom, but this was almost a portal to another life—she had never experienced that type of a dream before.

She had been happy, she had been loved, she died. We can't have it all apparently.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ringing. Screaming. No, definitely ringing. Buffy's home phone was ringing next to her bed early Sunday morning. Joyce wasn't picking it up, she had probably gone into the gallery to work on a new collection placement.

"Hello?" Buffy gurgled into the phone receiver, not wanting to talk to anyone this early.

"Buffy? Buffy, what's wrong? I haven't heard from you in a few days. Is everything alright?" Giles' frantic British voice belted out of the phone. He was worried about her, as always, and her voice sounded quite awful.

"Giles, its Sunday morning. Can't a girl enjoy her weekend morning sleep-in?"

"You're not just a girl, Buffy. You are the chosen one, you alone—" "Giles, I get it. But as far as I know the world isn't ending right now, so chill your jets. What do you want? Besides to annoy an angry and tired slayer?" Buffy was not happy. Giles could be such a nag, especially after she dreamed all night about him being so cool and tolerant.

"Buffy it is imperative that I see you at the library. There have been sightings of a very old vampire here in Sunnydale and I am concerned for all of our safety. Get some blueberry pancakes or waffles or whatever _girls_ consume on Sunday mornings and report to me immediately." Giles didn't know how to deal with Buffy anymore, she wasn't like other slayers and he could feel her trust in him slipping. He didn't know how to go easy on the girl—any easier and she would end up like the last slayer he trained: dead.

"Yes, fuhrer." Buffy hangs up the phone and moves to a sitting position at the edge of her bed. Very old vampire in Sunnydale, huh, what a surprise.

She starts getting ready and cannot stop thinking about the last couple of nights. William's face haunts her thoughts and the more she thinks about all of the pieces, the more confusing the picture becomes. "It is just the beginning." "This life." He spoke in riddles and his actions were even more confusing. Why didn't he kill her? Why was he playing with her? How could his lips touching her neck spark such a fire? Who was he…really? Buffy knew that all vampires only wanted one thing, her dead, but was it true? What made him different? Was it her, was she different?

Buffy is on autopilot as she gets ready to leave the house, her mind plagued by all of these thoughts about William. She should definitely NOT tell Giles about this. At least not until she has a better handle on all of it.

In the spirit of the weekend, she threw on her frayed denim shorts and an off the shoulder gym shirt. Before she went out the door, she slid on her sandals and picked up her shoulder bag filled with some emergency vamp slaying gear.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Being at Sunnydale High on the weekends—what a drag, Buffy thought as she pulled herself through the halls on the way to the library. She wasn't paying much attention and almost ran over Willow.

"Oh, geez. I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone else was going to be here. The computer lab is much more peaceful without anyone here. I'm going to shut up," Willow knew she was mumbling and stopped herself and looked up at Buffy as she picked her folders up off the ground.

"Oh no, it's totally ok. I should have been paying more attention. I'm on my way to the library and I just hate being here on the weekends. Computer lab huh?" Buffy also found herself babbling because she wasn't sure how to cover this up, she almost slipped—forgetting that this isn't dream Willow who understands her secret and is her friend. This is alienated, smart and not Buffy's friend Willow.

"Yea, the computer lab. Sorry to bump into you, well not sorry to see you, but sorry to you know, interrupt your walking. Hey, the library is open on the weekends? I didn't know that."

"Not officially, I have an overdue book I really need to return before Giles, uh, the librarian freaks out. Well, I'll be seeing you Willow. Maybe one of these days you could show me how to turn one of those computers on or something," Buffy would have liked to become friends with Willow. Maybe there was still a chance if she could keep the slaying from her.

"That would be nice Buffy. I look forward to acquainting you to the world of Mac. See you tomorrow, maybe." Willow scurried off, toward the front entrance of the school. Buffy was sorry to see her go, anything to delay the inevitable slayer meeting with the one who watches and does nothing but give orders.

Buffy opened the swinging doors of the library and Giles came out of his office rather quickly. "Glad to see you made it here without injury. I half-expected you to show up in your pajamas." Giles was disappointed in her careless and flippant behavior as of late. She patrolled without telling him, never reported back to him about the nights' events, and wholeheartedly avoided him on a daily basis. This was not the mark of a true slayer. Perhaps they did make a mistake with this one, as she so adamantly professed when he found her.

"Whatever Giles. Why am I here? Just get on with it." Buffy had sat down in a library chair by now, with her feet propped up on a table. All she needed was some chewing gum to illustrate how much she didn't care and wanted to be elsewhere. "Buffy, there have been sightings of a very old vampire, perhaps the oldest I have ever come across, here in Sunnydale. Although there is no proof, there are many stories describing his viciousness as well as his participation in a band of particularly dangerous vampires throughout the last hundred or so years. In most recent decades, he has left a trail across the US because of his use of blood banks and hospitals. By tracking grand scale thefts of blood, I have traced him here. Sunnydale Hospital just reported vast amounts of blood units missing last week and the security cameras were unable to pin down the suspect."

As Giles laid down his theory, Buffy just started laughing. Really laughing. "Buffy, this is not funny. He is a very dangerous vampire, and you need to take this seriously." Giles was exasperated.

"Giles, I just don't know. He doesn't sound all that dangerous. It sounds like he is a blood thief, how can you even be sure that he is the same as the evil vampire. Even if he is the vampire you say he is, at least he isn't killing people. I don't understand why you're ultra-wigging over this," it was true—she didn't get it. Stealing blood? So what, that's better than him being out there tearing Willow's throat out.

"They call him William the Bloody in the watcher's journals. While it may be true he isn't killing anyone now, that doesn't mean he is innocent by any means. Who knows how many people he has killed in the hundred or so years he has been alive?"

Buffy sat up straight when Giles mentioned William. Could this be the same William? Her William—_not my William, calm down a second_. "What else do you know about him?"

"Oh, so now you're interested. Glad to see you have finally woken up. Like I said earlier, there are plenty of stories, no eyewitness accounts and I can't say I have ever met anyone who has dealt with him. He seems to be a solitary, even more likely because of his lack of killing while he's been here. Perhaps he doesn't want to draw attention to himself. And this is why I wanted you to know—if he is laying low like this, he may be preparing for something that he does not want a certain vampire slayer to know about. He could be here for you." Giles finally hoped she could see the gravity of the situation, William the Bloody could be playing nice in order to get the slayer.

Again, Buffy found herself laughing, this time on the inside. She didn't want to let Giles in on the weekend's events. Remembering William's multiple opportunities to kill her last night and her still breathing today, had her thinking Giles' idea may not necessarily be correct. "Alright Giles, I understand what you mean. I'll be careful out there and I will let you know if I come across Mr. Bloody. Before I go though, I want to know something about slayers."

"Sure Buffy, what is it you would like to know?" Giles thought it would finally be a training question or a question about slayer history. But no.

"Has there ever been a slayer with friends, or people who knew her secret and were okay with it? Or has there ever been a slayer in love?" Giles felt a sharp pain in his heart at her questions. She was so young and he did not have the right to keep her from having these things she asks about. But he knew what they meant in a slayer's life. Loss. Disappointment. It was these things that brought his last slayer to her untimely death. How could he possibly answer her?

"Buffy, I know it doesn't seem like a lot that I know your secret and that I want you to be safe, but friends and loved ones knowing your secret, all that does is put them in danger. A slayer's life is not an easy one, it is filled with death and pursuit, putting innocent lives in the middle of that to have a more normal life, it's irresponsible. I truly am sorry that it can't be easier for you."

Buffy understood his reasoning, especially knowing his history with carefree slayers. But after her dreams last night, she could not stop thinking that it was possible to have friends and loved ones and be the slayer. He viewed them as a weakness that would inevitably lead to her untimely demise, but what if they could give her strength. What if saving the world was easier because she had people worth saving in it? The way her life was now, she just wasn't sure if staying this way was a good thing. She had wanted to die last night. Just because she was the slayer didn't mean that she was always strong.

"Thanks for the info Giles. I'll keep you updated." Buffy sulked out of the library. They were both right and she knew that, but why did it have to hurt so damn much. And then this stuff about William. She really needed to talk to him about all of this. How could he be all that dangerous and not kill her last night. Why did it feel like she knew him when they fought? Then he was in her dream, crying over her lifeless body. Who was he? She definitely needed to talk to him soon.

She found herself looking around the halls of the high school. Did she even remember the combination to her locker? Where was her locker? Being a slayer at sixteen was a sick joke. It wasn't possible to have a high school life with all of the constant death of slayerdom. When she got outside, she realized she wasn't ready to go home quite yet. She went out to the street and looked over to the cemetery. _Are you really considering going to the cemetery instead of going home_?


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Buffy wandered off towards the cemetery. It was about five o'clock in the evening, still a few hours until sundown. In her bag, she had her favorite stake and some supplies just in case, but she had enough time to go home before the vamps came out. Once she got into the graveyard, she went over to the mausoleum she and William fought around and on last night. She couldn't help but relive the moment William picked her up and moved her over the bench. The short walk with his arms around her was the safest she had ever felt. Buffy went over to the bench where William had held her after those vampires attacked her. As she stood there she pictured him kneeling in front of her and remembered every worried detail on his beautiful face. He was truly concerned for her safety in that moment and when given the chance did not kill her, even hurt her—he kissed her neck and ran away.

She sat down on the bench and looked around. The cemetery really was a different place during the daytime hours. A place of mourning and placing fresh flowers and shedding fresh tears over passed loved ones. Yet it managed to turn into a supernatural battlefield shortly after sundown. Buffy really hated her workplace. She certainly didn't like her work, but fighting on top of and messing with the graves of dead human beings all the sudden didn't seem very respectful.

The sun was starting its descent and Buffy did not feel the need to rush home. It was Sunday night, school tomorrow, so she would patrol for now and go home early. The descending sun was casting shadows all around the mausoleums and the bench where Buffy sat. William watched her from the doorway of one of the crypts that had sewer access. She was still bathed in sunlight, but the shadows would allow him to get close enough to have a conversation with her for now.

She could feel him, maybe it was smell him since he did have that leather, bourbon, cigarette musky thing going for him, but either way, she knew he was there. Watching her. "You know I might be more apt to listen to you while I'm sitting here in the sun."

"Is that right?" William was surprised when she spoke up and stepped out of the crypt doorway into the shadow about eight feet away from the bench where she sat. "My watcher tells me you're some big bad that's been around for a long time. Want to tell me what that's about?" Buffy looked up at William, waiting for his response.

"Big bad, huh? Well it's true that I've been around for a while, but the big bad thing is just a smokescreen. Being a vampire sometimes means you have to run in dangerous circles in order to be protected and feared. All those things written about me, most of them I wrote myself, to make sure that people feared and stayed away from me." William chuckled as he thought about some of the things he had written to make himself look like a bad ass and lit a cigarette.

"Why should I believe you? Believe any of this? I mean it's all a bit far-fetched you know and I may be young, but I'm not stupid." She really wanted to believe him, trust him because for some reason she felt like she should, like she knew him. "Of course you're not, luv. Although that look of relief on your face I witnessed twice yesterday when you were near imminent death states otherwise—" "You know nothing about that or me or my life. Don't even act like you know me, because you don't." Buffy snarled at him.

"I knew you once, in another life." William mumbled under his breath. He knew that she wasn't going to believe him, he would have to try another strategy. By now the sun had gone down enough that they were both in shadows, but William kept his distance. "Another life? Why do you keep speaking in riddles? Maybe I should just go." Buffy stood up, suddenly unsure of whether William was playing with a full deck.

He would just have to give it a shot, since he wasn't too sure if it was going to work anyway.

Perhaps this strategy was the best one then. Maybe she would listen. "Buffy, there are a lot of things that I would like you to know, and since I'm not too sure of how to explain myself and you are getting nervous, I'm just going to have to show you something."

"Oh, right. Like I haven't heard that one before." When she was finished rolling her eyes, suddenly William was right in front of her with his hands gently gripping her upper arms.

"Shut it, okay. This is serious," William didn't know how this was going to work, but he lowered his lips to hers to gently kiss her beautiful lips that reminded him of so many things, yet he had never experienced himself. She struggled a little bit, but eventually she couldn't avoid how soft and incredibly delicious he tasted. He could feel her kissing him back, which was in itself absolutely amazing, but also what he thought he needed to make this whole thing work. The more they kissed the more he thought about her and everything that she meant to him, meant to him then. He pictured how they met and how they died.

Buffy could feel herself getting lost in William's kiss. It was unlike anything that she had ever felt before and even though she tried to hold on to herself for a bit longer, she couldn't. She began to see pictures, memories, William's memories. She felt and she saw only a little at first, until it consumed her in a blur of white light, until there was only his memories, only him and only her.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

She could hear the music playing and she could see everyone dancing, but Buffy couldn't remember how she got here at all. Hadn't she just been recklessly making out with the undead like twenty seconds ago? On the ground at the cemetery? How the hell did she get here, to the Bronze it looked like? Still feeling a bit disoriented, it took her a second to realize that her hand was being held, held in cold fingers. She looked up to her side and saw that William was standing with her, staring out into the crowd. He had a smile on his face, something that was too beautiful for words. Buffy followed what he was looking at and was shocked to see herself. A more alive and exciting version of herself. She was dancing, with Xander and Willow from school and they were having a blast.

"Is this for real?" Buffy was so confused, but enthralled at watching herself being happy and friend-having.

"Well luv, it was real once upon a time. Another time. This is the first time we met, I mean the first time the first pair of us met," William was trying not to confuse himself, but especially not to confuse her.

"Just watch, it'll all make sense in a little while," he was trying to be encouraging because he didn't want her to react badly to what happens next.

"_You better call the police. There's some guy out there trying to bite someone." _Buffy knew that voice, but didn't have time to notice who it belonged to as her other self suddenly looked concerned and darted outside. Still holding William's hand, Buffy walked out behind herself. There was a fight between herself and a vampire, so she guessed right that she had always been the slayer, no matter what life she was living.

After the slayer successfully won the fight, there was clapping and from the shadows emerged William, but not William, an evil William. Quickly Buffy began to understand how they had met, under death threaty circumstances. William gripped her fingers as she came to this realization and she gripped back, hoping that this would end better than it had started.

There were many more memories and images. Images of her and William fighting, him planning to kill her, him helping her, and most importantly, him loving her. Watching William's devastation when she died and watching how she treated him when she came back to life made her cringe. He had tried to rape her and yet she couldn't avoid caring that he had gotten his soul for her.

In the final battle, the one she could feel her other self had been preparing many years for, time slowed down and she could feel every detail of the moment.

_The first had promised to devour them all. And it had succeeded. There were dozens of young girls and young girl parts strewn all over the dirty hole in the ground known as the Hellmouth. Buffy had done her best to keep her slayers together, but no one could have prepared her or anyone for the slaughter they were walking into. The one weapon she had planned on using was the amulet that Spike was wearing, but it hadn't turned on yet, if it ever would. Spike was holding her now. His arms felt so safe, but hadn't she always known that? She was beginning to feel cold, was that him making her cold or was she actually dying? She was doing her best to remember why she would be dying. When Spike lifted one of his hands up to her face to caress her hair behind her ear, it was covered in blood. Was that her blood? _

"_Spike, where is everyone?" She couldn't remember the last time she had seen Giles or Faith, or anyone that she cared about. _

"_They're all gone luv, it's just me and you now. I'm going to change it Buffy, I won't let it end like this luv. I love you so bloody much. You can't leave me." William sobbed._

"_Spike, I love you too" Buffy gasped, then she was gone. Her body was so beaten, they both were. A human would have been long since dead with those types of injuries. _

_William squeezed her tight and continued to cry, holding Buffy's dead body. His tears mixing with their blood. Then he screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" _


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Buffy could feel his weight on top of her, her back against the dewing grass when she startled out of the vision they had just shared. The night had completely fallen on the cemetery. Her mind was swimming with memories that she had never had before, memories that she had not just shared with William. A whole other life in Sunnydale and as the slayer and she was happy, at least most of the time. William braced himself and propped himself above her, ready to see a very angry slayer. But instead she had tears in her eyes.

"Was all of that real? Did I really live another complete life? Were we—?" Buffy's breath hitched in her throat as she struggled to make sense of what just happened. They both sat up, but remained close to each other. "It was real luv, every memory, every moment. You and I have lived before, in another place and time. And we've been given a second chance—" "But why? How did this happen?"

"So, it was 1880, I was 26 and still living with my mum, she was sick and she needed taking care of. I was just the most awful poet and had a crush on this girl back then, and well, I was publicly humiliated one night when she heard some of my poetry. I ran out into the night. I had never run so hard to get away from my life. In the alley, there was this woman, dark beautiful, scary. She offered me power and a new life. Then she bit me. It was excruciating for a bit. But then I started getting flashes. I didn't know what they were, but they were flashes of me with bright blonde hair, fighting a young blonde woman: you. They jumped around until finally, I had you in my arms and you were dying. I had never felt such pain as the moment your life slipped away while I was holding you. I screamed when I woke up. The woman stared at me, entirely confused. My face had changed, it was bumpy and hard and my teeth were sharp and I craved blood. But underneath all of that I just knew that I had to find you. I had to know if everything, my entire other life was real. I ran away from the dark lady and I kept running for the last 117 years. That's the short of it." William was staring off across the cemetery as he told his story and turned to look back at Buffy. Her face was hard to read, but she wasn't scared or concerned anymore.

Buffy was having a hard time adjusting William's story. "You were turned into a vampire, but instead of an urge to maim and kill, you got all of these memories instead? How did you know that they were real? More importantly, how did you know that kissing me would transfer the memories to me?"

William smiled and continued. "Well, the kissing thing was an improvisation. I knew that touching you might work, but since I've been touching you here and there and no bright light, I guessed that maybe something more direct would transfer the memories. As for the vampire thing, over the years I searched for answers. Although I craved blood, I could never bear to kill anyone. That was confusing. Here I am, creature of the night and all, and the thought of hurting a human being was unbearable. It was around the turn of the century when I found these traveling mystics, while I was still in Europe. At first I frightened them, but then this old woman came and touched my chest. She said the most peculiar things. We sat near the fire one night and she held my hand and her eyes went wide with a bright light. When she came back down, she said that I had a soul, that I had an old soul. The soul of a man that had lived in another time. I asked how it was possible and she told me that sometimes, when something horrible happens in the world, that the magics will sometimes allow a mulligan of sorts."

"A mulligan? Like a do-over? What was so horrible that the magics let that happen?"

"Next to you dying pet, the final battle didn't end the way it was supposed to. We were supposed to win, but instead the big bad evil won and messed with the balance. The magics and the powers-that-be and all the neutral-white-hat-wearing beings could not let the balance get irrevocably muffed up. Of course they did not do this alone. The memories that I have after you died, aside from being really difficult to access or relive, show that I worked with your watcher to make the do-over happen. There were a lot of terms and conditions, but ultimately the plan was that we would live everything over with the slight differences that come with an alternate reality. But in the end we would have another chance to make it right."

Buffy was looking down at the ground, playing with some blades of grass when he looked at her. They were still close, but not touching. The absence of her warmth was killing him. He reached up to put a tendril of honey blonde hair behind her ear. "What is it luv?" She continued to look down but leaned her head into his hand when he touched her face. "Please, talk to me." William was scared that he had broken her or something, this was a lot for anyone to take in.

"In my memories, I called you Spike, not William. What should I call you now?" Buffy turned her eyes to him. His blue eyes were piercing.

"I prefer Spike, but my human name William was less intimidating so I used it. I want you to call me whatever you feel comfortable with."

Buffy turned to face him more directly and when her fingers touched his, it was like they were on fire. She slowly started to intertwine her hand with his and they both looked at their hands in awe. They fit perfectly together and it was the most comfortable thing in the world to hold his hand. Memories flashed in their minds. Him holding and bandaging her bruised and bloody hands. Her holding his hands as they…_holy crap! That was a naked Buffy and…I didn't know I could bend like that…_

Buffy jumped, but continued to hold his hand. "I think that I prefer Spike too. It seems to fit your personality from the other life pretty well. We were pretty close huh? Naked and all that?"

Spike chuckled and grinned, "It looks that way." "Wait, you can see me naked in there? Bad, this is totally bad."

Buffy stood up abruptly, taking Spike by surprise. "I mean, I know you are telling the truth, I can feel what previous me felt, and see what she saw and I can tell that it was really me. But listen, me now, today is not Buffy then. I am sixteen years old. A brand new person with new thoughts and obstacles. Two days ago, I was just here, hoping that Giles would let me have friends or even go on a date! Now, I'm filled with a very mature Buffy's thoughts and feelings and I want what she had, but I can't. I still have to go through these things on my own. I can't just start her life from here. And you shouldn't have to live the other Spike's life from here either. We know some things, some really important world changing things, but I still want to live MY life from here forward. I just want to be Buffy."

She was pacing now, making a line in the grass where she walked back and forth. "I mean, how do you feel about all of this? You waited around for the last 100 whatever years for me. You've had so much time to figure all this out and I've had like five minutes."

Spike stood up next to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Buffy all I know is that I'm here for you. Me, now Spike. I've been swimming in you for years pet and now that you are finally here, in front of me, I'm certainly not going to scare you away. And while sure, we share a lot of interesting, some naked, memories, the important thing to remember is that now we know how to make things right in the end when it comes. I know you are you, here and now, and I want to get to know you. Just tell me what you need and it's done pet."

Buffy could feel his hands on her arms and his body was so close. She felt so vulnerable in front of him, like what if she couldn't live up to past Buffy, what if she was all broody and broken and he didn't want her. It took only a second for her to collapse into his arms in tears. Spike held onto her as hard as he could and they both slipped to the ground as he cradled her sobbing body.

"I was ready to die, you know. I couldn't stand living this hard life with no friends or loved ones to share it with. I just wanted to disappear. Then you. You saved me then and you're saving me now." Her eyes, filled with tears, lifted to his and he could feel his heart breaking for her. "You'll never be alone again Buffy. I will never let anything happen to you. And your life is worth living, you just need some, uh, perspective."

"Show me."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

When her alarm went off in the morning, she jumped out of bed. Today was the first day of her new, more informed life. Last night, after she had asked Spike to show her some perspective, he showed her how to access memories from her previous life. Avoiding the deliciously naked ones of Spike for now, he helped her focus on her early memories, ones that he didn't have access to. Ones of her friends and her high school life. Willow and Xander were her best friends and she wanted that to be the same in this time. More than anything. It was like meditation and she could focus on and see things from her previous life.

It was hard to cut the night short when they had just found each other, but Buffy had school in the morning and she was exhausted with all of this newness. He had walked her home and when they got to the front door it suddenly felt so strange that they were about to leave each other. "How do you want this to go pet?" Spike was clearly nervous about her answer and she thought it was adorable that he was trying to hide that he wanted to spend time with her. "I want to be around you as much as possible too Spike. I think we have a lot to learn from each other and I'll feel safer knowing you're around to have my back. Do you want to meet back here tomorrow at sunset and we can patrol and talk some more?" Buffy really did want to be around him, now with all of these memories of him, she couldn't stand to be away from him anymore. "Sounds good luv. I'll see you then. Good luck at school tomorrow, I hope it goes over well with the redhead." Spike started to head down the sidewalk when Buffy called out to him, "Spike. Thank you." "Anytime goldilocks. I'll see you tomorrow." She wrinkled her nose at the nickname, recalling images of snarky Spike calling her pet names. _I had liked some of them, though,_ she thought.

Buffy buzzed around her room trying to get ready for school and then ran down the stairs. She would definitely have time to eat breakfast with her mom this morning. "Hey mom! What's up?" Buffy jubilantly skimmed to a stop in the kitchen next to her mom.

"Good morning Buffy, you seem on the up and up this morning. Everything alright?" Could it be that Buffy was finally starting to come around to this whole happy teenager thing? Joyce wanted nothing more than for Buffy to be happy.

"Everything is fine mom, I just woke up this morning feeling really good. Like things are really going to turn around for me. I'm going to go to school today and try to make some new friends." Buffy stole some toast out of the toaster and started nibbling on it as she fled the house. "I'll see you later mom! Have a good day!" Joyce sat back at the kitchen counter and hoped that her daughter could keep this up, she really like seeing Buffy this happy.

When Buffy got to school she saw Willow getting water at the fountain and ran over to her. "Hi Willow. How's it going?" Willow was surprised that Buffy was talking to her here in the very public hallway. "Everything is fine. And you? You seem very chipper this morning?" They started to walk down the hallway together, since coincidentally they had their first class together.

"I'm thinking that I haven't given Sunnydale enough of a fair chance. See I was mad broody about getting kicked out of my last high school and it's taken me awhile to warm up to the finer side of Sunnydale. But I finally think I'm ready to start putting myself out there. What do you do for fun Willow?" Buffy felt like that was a good enough story to get the conversation rolling.

"Fun. Well, I like school a lot and hanging out with Xander. Ooh and the Bronze is fun, except for Cordelia and her band of morons. You know, Xander and I are going to the Bronze tonight around 9, do you want to come along?" Willow really liked Buffy and she was glad that they were finally going to get the chance to hang out.

"Willow I'd love to. Thanks for inviting me. It'll be fun. Music and dancing—there will be dancing right?" "Dancing in the sense that you dance and I hold onto the table, sure." "Oh come on Will, I'll get you to dance if it's the last thing I do."

Buffy hung out with Willow all day. They had class and sat at lunch together and gossiped about Xander and Cordelia. It was right before the end of the day when Giles pulled rank on Buffy.

"Ms. Summers! I'd like to see you in the library now please." Buffy said goodbye to Willow and said she would see her later and then sulked off to the library.

"Hi Giles. What's the what?" Buffy jumped up on the library counter, bracing herself for a lecture.

Giles saw Buffy hanging around with Willow between all of her classes today and he didn't want to say anything, but he felt that he had to.

"Buffy, did you patrol last night? Any run ins with that old vampire?"

"I patrolled and there wasn't much activity last night, so I went home early. No big bad evil. Just a couple of lackies. The usual. I'll go out again tonight after sunset and let you know what I find. 'Kay?"

"Yes, yes. That's good. One more thing, are you sure that spending time with that girl Willow is safe for her Buffy? No one can know you're the slayer."

"Okay, Giles. You see I have a new theory and you may not like it, but guess what this is my life. I think that having friends whether or not they know my secret will make me fight harder because they will give me something to live for, something worth fighting for. As it is now, I have nothing worth fighting for and twice over the weekend, I was pretty close to some vamps getting the upper hand and I almost wanted them to succeed. I know that you don't want me to end up like your last slayer, but I'm not her. And I can't live like this anymore. So, you know what, I'm going to go hang out with that girl Willow and see what this whole life thing is about. In the end I know I'll be stronger for it and I can only hope that someday you can see that I'm right." Buffy jumped down from the counter and walked out of the library.

Giles was in complete shock at Buffy's eloquently spoken defiance. _Where did she get that from?_ Giles thought. Of course he knew that she was right, but the idea of the opposite, that having loved ones would make her weak, scared him. They may not get along very well or very often, but he could not bear to see something happen to Buffy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's note:** Thank you everyone for the reviews! I'm glad everyone is enjoying the story. I apologize for the delayed update. I got caught up in another story. I hope you enjoy the new chapters and let me know what you think!

Chapter 13

Buffy ran home to get some homework done before tonight. She didn't want her mom saying no to her going out because her work wasn't finished. Although Joyce would probably be grateful Buffy was going out in the first place, homework be damned. She only had about three hours until sunset and a French assignment, history reading, oh, and showering and getting ready. Buffy worried about Giles having a heart attack after what she said, but she didn't regret being honest with him. She needed to feel connected to the people in her life or she was going to lose it. She wasn't proud of her weakness over the weekend, _weaknesses, plural_. She couldn't help feeling that she deserved more from this bleak life than she was getting. Even the hero needs something to hold them to this world, to keep them attached to their humanity. Now with William…er, Spike in her life, she knew from her past life that she was loved and wanted and that she held on to life dearly, _at least most of the time_. Buffy wanted that, she needed that.

When Buffy reached her room, she looked around and allowed the memories that had been biting at the edge of her consciousness all day to take over. Everything was pretty much the same with small variations, including the pictures of her friends and family that lined her dresser and the walls. Mr. Gordo the pig still sat on her neatly made bed and her closet was still leaking out onto the floor. No matter what life she was in her closet remained tragically small. _Oh well. _Buffy stood in the middle of her room and closed her eyes. She let the room change in her mind, seeing herself come and go. Others joined her for sleepovers and parties. Buffy lying on the bed sobbing uncontrollably occurred more than once. Away from the eyes of her friends and loved ones, even her past self was often in despair. Buffy would have to make sure that she made things better for herself this time around. She needed to dedicate her energy to making herself happy and keeping her friends and family safe. All the time she wasted in her previous life contemplating about right and wrong, and with that struggle hurting the people she loved—she could still fight the good fight without being overly righteous and judgmental. She wasn't perfect, so how could she expect anyone else to be? She held on to her feelings and they strangled her, she would have to be more honest with herself this time around too. She opened her eyes, moved over to her bed and sat. Her room was silent and her mom wasn't home yet from the gallery. Buffy took out her homework assignments and spread them out on the bed. She had every intention of reading through her history book, but her eyes closed and she found herself in another place.

_She found herself sitting on the stairs of her back porch, leaning on her knees, her hands gently folded under her chin. The pain inside her was overwhelming, gut wrenching and hopeless. Her tears flowed easily and her mind wandered to dangerously negative places. Buffy's mom was sick, she was sick and there was nothing Buffy could do to save her. She wept in the dark of her backyard, alone and remembering what Spike had said to her earlier about death. "Death is on your heels baby and sooner or later, it's going to catch you. And some part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and the uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it." Buffy blanched knowing that what he said was the truth, he summed it up when he said, "Every slayer has a death wish. Even you." Say she did have a death wish, something to make her pain go away, now all she could think of was her willingness to trade herself for her mother. If she could take her mother's pain away, keep it, and let herself wither away, she would do it in a second._

_A branch snapped a few feet away and when she looked up, her eyes red and stinging from her angry tears, Spike was standing in front of her holding a shotgun. "What do you want now?" she hated that he knew her so well, that he could see right through her no matter how hard she concealed her pain from everyone else. Spike softened and dropped the gun as he approached her, suddenly worried. "What's wrong?" he moved to sit next to her on the porch. "I don't want to talk about it," Buffy replied. Spike knew that he was probably the last person she wanted to see right now, but he couldn't leave her, "Is there something I can do?" When she looked away and didn't say anything, Spike moved his hand to her shoulder blade, slowly rubbing her back to let her know that he cared and that he wasn't leaving. He removed his hand and scooted closer to her, "Come on luv, you put on a good show for everyone, but I know you. You may not like it, but I do. I'm not going anywhere." Buffy lifted her face to Spike's and he could read all of her pain and vulnerability there in her green eyes. Part of her wanted to snarl at him and push him away, but she knew he was right. For years, they had fought with each other and side by side, and he always seemed to know more about her than even those closest to her. Riley couldn't understand her, neither could her friends anymore. Everyone had moved passed her, living their own lives, while she stood still and Spike saw her stagnating. He wasn't going leave her alone. Spike could see the thoughts buzzing through Buffy's head, her eyes revealing more with every passing second. He decided to risk it and he wrapped his arm around Buffy's shoulders bringing her head close to his chest. She let him and with her head and upper body softly enclosed in Spike's arms she cried, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed into him. His hand caressed her hair, soothing her. _

When Buffy woke up, her face was sticking to the page of her history book and tear lines marked her cheeks. Even when they were fighting and even when she didn't see him, Spike saw her and stayed with her when everyone else left. He was always there and flashes through the years reveal him holding her as he did that night on the porch, reassuring her that she wasn't alone and he wasn't going to leave her. _At least that hasn't changed, _Buffy thought. She was reeling at the knowledge of how much Spike had always seen her for who she really was, even if the truth was brutal and cold sometimes, he saw through the façade and told her so. At the very end, nearing the final battle, she depended on him to guide her through and help her acknowledge her strength as the slayer and as a woman. _"You're the one Buffy."_ Buffy was angry with her previous self, seething that she hadn't seen how much Spike was there for her, all the time. He wasn't perfect, he had hurt her and loved her in confusing ways, just like she had him. But all that time wasted fighting against him when he was so right for her all along, _not this time._

Although Buffy was unsure of how to move forward with her knowledge of the past and resisted the idea of picking up from where previous Buffy left off, she knew that nothing would ever be the same again. She was informed now in ways that people weren't supposed to be, it wasn't quite knowing the future because Spike had mentioned that things would be a bit different this time around, but still she knew. She knew who she loved, who she lost, what battles she won and which she didn't, when she died and what heaven felt like—she knew every tragic and blissful detail of her other life. It was going to be difficult to manage everything, but one thing she knew for sure—Spike mattered to her in ways she couldn't understand and she was going to do everything she could not to push him away this time around. They needed each other, they had always needed each other.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Buffy only had a couple of hours left before sunset and she forced herself to concentrate on her homework. Luckily, her work breezed by within an hour. Now she had some more time to herself while getting ready before she met Spike. Her stomach flipped knowing she was going to see him again tonight. They only met a few nights ago and under strange circumstances, but they felt like old friends, like old souls that had been cosmically reunited. She couldn't deny it—she couldn't wait to see him again.

Buffy undressed in her bedroom, slipping on a robe before going across the hall to the bathroom. She turned the water on hot and as it steamed up the bathroom, she let the robe slip to the floor. As she looked at herself in the full-length mirror, her tan skin, her small rosy breasts, the golden triangle at the apex of her thighs, she began to see more of herself, her former self. _I guess the former me liked to look at herself in the mirror naked too_. It was like a time-lapse of memories of her looking at herself. Although she did not change greatly in her stature or cup size, her hair grew long, was cut short. _Really short_. She saw bruises and wounds come and go. A few times, she witnessed Spike standing behind her, kissing her shoulder or tending to her wounds, his arms wrapping around her as she cried. Buffy realized, though, that the hope in her other self's eyes faded over the years, they became weighted and dark and scared.

Buffy shook her head and rubbed her hand over her face, wondering how different she really was from her former self. They may be in different times, but their emotions felt similar. Their lives felt hard and unmanageable at times, rewarding and loving at other times. She was unsure. Buffy climbed into the shower as the steam slowly fogged up the mirror. The hot water felt good as it streamed over her body. Her hands moved against the side of her face as she let the water soak her hair. With her eyes closed, more recollections of her past life invaded her thoughts. She had been trying to avoid the naughty memories of her and Spike together, she was still a virgin in this life after all. But she let her mind wander now.

_She could feel her hands in Spike's hair, loosening it from its gel as his hands roamed over her body. They were floating in limbo together, a collage of moving images from their past. His hands gripped her to him and she could feel his soft skin against hers as their bodies pressed together, their limbs entangled. Spike's crystal blue eyes were piercing. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, slowly moving them against her mouth, begging for entrance. Buffy gave in to him, opening her mouth to massage their tongues together gently as her hands fisted in his hair pulling him closer to her. Spike moaned into her mouth, "Buffy, you're so fucking beautiful pet." He kissed down her face to her neck, nuzzling the slope of her shoulder. He nibbled at her neck with his blunt teeth, she laughed softly at him knowing she could trust him not to bite her—at least not without her permission. _

Buffy's hands were on the tiles in front of her when she opened her eyes, the lukewarm water still streaming over her head. Her whole body was tense with wanting, but she knew she had to calm down. They had only just met. The kiss they had shared was impulsive, and in his opinion necessary for her to see what he saw. She bet that he had longed to kiss her though—after all, he had been waiting over 100 years for her, right? His mind filled with memories of her and their life together, how painful must waiting have been? _I can barely wait a full 24 hours to see him again, let alone 100 years!_ They didn't have to know everything about each other right now or even jump into bed with each other, they could patiently figure out how to move forward. They could decide together. Buffy couldn't deny her yearning for him deep inside her core though. She knew she was excited by the thought of having a secret admirer a few days ago, it had given her hope. Now that she knew William was more than an admirer and that he was the love of her previous life, she had more than hope—she had something concrete to look forward to and she wanted to know everything about him.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Spike was lounging in the vacant crypt he had found a few months ago when he arrived in Sunnydale. The cold, hard cement felt comforting at his back, hearkening back to his memories of his former self sleeping in a crypt like this one, the same one in fact. The sun was lowering in the sky, not low enough for him to go out yet, but getting there. His head rested on his folded arms as he looked up at the cobwebbed ceiling. He had 117 years of waiting to see Buffy, to talk to Buffy. Now that he had done both, _kissed her even_, he couldn't stop thinking about her. _Not that I ever could stop thinking about her._ He wanted to be around her. He needed to be around her. He shut his eyes as he pictured her in his mind. She was so much younger now than she was in his final memories of her. _Still painfully gorgeous though, it's going to be hard to keep my hands off her_. Spike smirked to himself and touched his fingertips to his lips remembering the searing kiss they shared last night. It felt as if they had kissed many times before, but in this reality, it was their first kiss. How he wished it was under more romantic circumstances. It would take a while to build up to that because he knew as well as she did that they weren't the Spike and Buffy from their memories, everything was different and they had the opportunity to start over—to make things right. He didn't exactly relish the thought of waiting in the shadows for seven years until The First reared its ugly head though. He was hopeful that they could work their issues out between now and then and maybe they would have a better shot of beating that son of bitch and its ubervamp army. _If it even plays out that way._

When he first accessed the memory of her death it was crippling. Rather than rebel against it, he remained stagnant in his mind, focused on that memory. For years he wallowed in that memory, replaying every detail of their last few months together. Every touch, every unspoken glance, every second of their lives together. He couldn't figure out what went wrong and all he could do was hope that he was going to get a second chance. Giles told him there would be consequences to their spell and that he couldn't promise she would even come into being in the alternate reality. Spike's mind wandered to the final days of his previous life.

"_If events even shift an infinitesimal amount before she is born, the conditions could alter her very existence Spike. There is no guarantee that this will work. You could be trapped in another life with these memories haunting you, with no second chance—" "Giles, I don't fucking care. I can't live this life without her, it's either I live without her here or there, but at least there I have the possibility of another shot. Here there is nothing. Nothing," Spike was shaking his head, his elbows on his knees as he sat in front of a pacing Giles. He thought Giles had died in the Hellmouth along with the others, but with Buffy's dead body in his arms Giles came back for Spike. Pulling him away from her was not easy, but Giles knew there could be a way to undo this. All of this. He traveled with a catatonic Spike back to London, where he had a private collection of books and store of spell ingredients. _

"_I know Spike, I know." Losing Buffy and all the others was an inconceivable tragedy and Giles knew that there was no life for either of them now. Not without her and the others. "So how does this work English. Cause I'm doing it no matter the bloody consequences." Spike shifted his eyes to look at Giles, they were intense and tired and sad. "The balance has been tipped too far in the favor of evil, so we can make an appeal to the magics for do-over of sorts. It won't be exactly like before, not a wind-back-the-clock type of spell. It would literally be another dimension that parallels this one, but with small variations. These are what I'm talking about. While they may be small, they could derail the whole of history, they could change the trajectory of the slayer line, hell the whole slayer institution." Spike thought of Buffy being able to live a normal life like she had always wanted, one without being the slayer. He also knew that she could be a different person, she could not be born at all. Giles paced in front of Spike, they were surrounded by Giles' research, his flat disheveled from their urgent search for an answer."This spell isn't easy. It requires a vessel and a sacrifice." Spike stood and moved over to the table where the spell was, picking it up. "What type of sacrifice?" _

_For the next few weeks they worked together to gather the ingredients for the spell. They operated under the radar, barely talking to each other for days sometimes. Spike cried himself to sleep, when he did sleep, replaying Buffy's death in his mind repeatedly. He couldn't have done anything, he didn't blame himself. He blamed The First, he blamed the hard, unforgiving life that neither of them had asked for, he blamed time. And now they were going to change it. The spell was finally ready and it required dark magic. Darker than the spell that had brought Buffy back from the dead a few years ago—this wasn't about life and death, this was about changing everything. The whole fucking universe. Spike was ready, anything to get him away from this world where Buffy wasn't. Giles was prepared and in the hour before sunrise, they began the spell. _

_Giles sat in the middle of the flat, surrounded by symbols engraved in the wooden floor and bowls filled with fire. They encircled the whole room and Spike paced just inside the edge of the circle. Giles meditated silently for a long time and when he finally raised his face, his eyes were black and he was speaking quietly in Latin. Spike stopped pacing, looking intensely at Giles knowing what was coming next. He walked over to the farthest edge of the circle where the drapes on the window lay wide open. Spike could see the sunlight reflecting in the brightening sky off in the distance. He grasped the goblet filled with blood and herbs waiting for him on the windowsill and drank deeply, throwing the empty glass to the floor. Giles' voice was raising behind him, chanting loudly as the room started to shake and the fires nearly reached the ceiling. Spike slowly raised his arms to his shirt, opening it. On his chest were sigils carved into his skin, covering almost his entire torso. He lifted his arms up and closed his eyes as the sunlight finally reached his skin. "The spell requires a vessel."He focused on Buffy and her eyes and her beautiful face as the daylight bit at his skin, peeling it and burning it. He thought of how much he loved her and how they were going to see each other again as his skin burnt away slowly, agonizingly. _

_Giles sat rigidly, his eyes still black and his voice still chanting Latin, and watched as Spike's ashes danced in the streams of daylight entering the circle. They had reached the final phase of the spell. "And the spell requires a sacrifice."He reached behind him and pulled a pistol from the waistband of his pants. Spike still stood in front of the window and as he turned to ash, he only thought of her—of seeing her again. Giles watched as Spike burnt in the sunlight and he put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. The gunshot was the last thing Spike heard as he crumbled to dust. _

Spike opened his eyes, seeing the cobwebbed ceiling again. The sun was almost down. He remembered Giles' words vividly "_If events even shift an infinitesimal amount before she is born, the conditions could alter her very existence Spike."_ Spike was lucky that after all the years of waiting, all the years of uncertainty and being alone with only the memories of her, she came to be. Spike followed the lives of her parents closely, checking in every few years to make sure that things were going to work out. He never needed to intervene, but was prepared to do so if they were ever in danger. When Buffy was born, Spike watched from outside their home in Los Angeles when they brought her home. Tears flowed openly down his face as he realized that she was finally here in this world, that none of the small changes in this world had prevented her from coming back to him. He remained at a distance until she was called as the slayer, another detail that could have changed. It hadn't changed though and while Spike had hoped that Buffy would have the chance to live a normal life, he knew that he couldn't have been a part of that life. He would not have ruined that life for her and he would have disappeared gracefully. _Probably meet the sunlight again is more like it._ As much as he loved her and wanted to be with her, Spike loved her too much to be that selfish with her. But in the end, she was called.

He followed her to Sunnydale and waited. Spike didn't know when he should reveal his presence to her or how she would react to him. So he waited, intent to only intervene if she was in danger. He didn't realize that was going to be so soon or that she was going to be so careless in this life. Spike couldn't bear the thought of something happening to Buffy again, no, he would do anything to keep her safe—even if that meant keeping her safe from herself. Spike remembered that Buffy had a death wish, like most slayers, and it had taken her from him once before. She sacrificed herself to save her sister, but they both knew that she craved relief, that she had embraced death. It was evident when they brought her back, when they ripped her from heaven. She told Spike not to tell anyone and he knew that she was struggling. She confided in him, looked to him for comfort even though she warred with herself over it and she pushed and pulled him apart until he was broken—until he hurt her. Spike winced at the memory of hurting her, of throwing her on the bathroom floor, making her fear him. He hurt her and he couldn't live with himself, he needed to be fixed, he needed to show her. He mended himself in the bright light of his soul, it burned but it was all for her, so that he could be complete again, so he could finally be hers. So they could finally be there for each other without fear and uncertainty. And they could love, they could finally love.

Spike sat up and shrugged on his leather jacket, which he did not acquire from killing any slayers, he liked the look though so he got one just like his previous one. He worried that changing the details of his own life would change something important later on, but he couldn't bear the idea of killing anyone especially not slayers. The memories of his previous ensouled self haunted him. All the people he had killed swam in his mind and he knew he couldn't go through that again. He couldn't put Buffy through any of that. He opened the crypt door and lit a cigarette. Leaning against the pillar, he watched as the sun fully set off in the distance. He inhaled deeply trying to calm his nerves. _I'm going to see her again_, he smiled at the thought_. _He crushed out his butt and started walking toward Revello Drive.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Buffy turned the water off and tried to shake the naked images of Spike from her mind. She dried herself off and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. _Now, what to wear, what to wear_, she thought to herself as she entered her room.

"Jesus!" she yelled when she saw Spike perched in the window frame to her room. She quickly moved to hold her towel to her body.

Spike laughed, "Don't worry luv, I'm not here to sully your virtue…exactly. Just a bit early is all." He looked up at her with innocent eyes, trying to play off the quip about her virtue. She looked stunning just showered, her blonde hair dripping water onto her tan shoulders. Her legs, _oh her legs_, Spike thought to himself.

"You're staring, do you know that?" Buffy looked inquisitive as she moved into the room, closely watching the gorgeous undead sitting in her window. She held her towel tight and sat on the edge of the bed near the window, the towel riding up slightly on her thighs.

"You're trying to kill me, wearing that towel, do you know that?" Spike mimicked her words, his lips pulling up slightly at the side.

Buffy blushed at his words, "Sorry. Kind of." She smiled at him coyly.

"So you can't come in here unless I invite you in, is that right? Or is there some kind of residual stuff from our past life?" Spike put his hand up to the window and pushed, she could see his hand flatten as if against a glass barrier, "I'd say no to that pet. If I could come in you would have found me lounging on your bed reuniting with Mr. Gordo, we're old friends you see."

Buffy laughed, "Right, you and Mr. Gordo."

"I'm serious," Spike's voice raised in jest. "But no, I can't come in unless you invite me. That's your call luv."

Buffy weighed the possible scenarios in her mind, but she couldn't predict what he would do with his invitation. "So, if I invite you in here, how do you intend on using your 24 hour pass?" She squinted her eyes at him, probing. Spike contemplated her question, unsure of his answer. He looked at her and bent his knee to lean on, his jeans tightening around his leg.

"Well Buffy, I'll use my pass, if given, in any way that you feel comfortable. You set the rules and I'll do my best to abide."

"Your best, huh?"

Spike furrowed his eyebrow knowing that it was going to be hard to stay away from her, "Yes, my best." Buffy gauged the intensity in his eyes and knew that look from her memories of him—he was holding something back. She stood up with the towel tied firmly against her chest and walked over to the window.

"I want to be around you too Spike," she had a hunch that he was worried about losing her again, so she reached out her hand and laid it on top of his outside the window.

The sudden warmth from her hand startled him and he looked at Buffy, surprised, as his thumb massaged the top of her hand. "My rules, hmmm. First off, use the window and avoid my mom until I figure out a way to explain you to her, she doesn't know anything about me being the slayer. Also, no more watching me sleep unless I know you're here, in fact I'd rather know if you're around me in general. There's no need to skulk around anymore, besides its kind of creepy. Lastly," Buffy gripped his hand and looked at him. She took a deep breath and continued, "I'm nervous that we're going to forget that we're different from them." She paused and Spike looked deeply into her eyes, knowing exactly what she meant.

"I know Buffy. I feel that way too, but I don't want to be like him, like I was. I never want to hurt you and I sure as hell can't lose you again." Buffy saw the sadness flash in his eyes and knew that he understood, that he was feeling exactly what she was feeling.

"I don't want to be like her. Even though she loved her family, friends, and I look forward to improving that part of my life, she still took so much for granted and wasted so much time. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel scared or alone anymore." She felt tears sting her eyes and Spike shifted closer to the window, he longed to take her in his arms and soothe her tears away, but wondered if that would be too close to their previous selves. _How can we possibly balance this when all I want to do right now is touch her and hold her? _

"Buffy, look at me." She raised her eyes to his. "We are different from them, we both know that. But you should know that all I want to do right now is take you in my arms and never let you go. All I've done since I became a bloody vampire was think about how terribly we used our time, how I fucked everything up and then there just wasn't enough time to fix it. All I've done is imagine seeing you in this life and making it right, not just the battles and whatnot, but you and me. I'm not sure how to balance any of this, you and me, him and her. I just know that I want to be a part of your life," Spike shook his head slightly truly unsure of where to go from here.

"Spike, come in." Buffy's eyes widened with confidence as the words escaped softly from her lips and she released Spike's hand to step back from the window. Spike still sat there gaping at her and reeling from what her invitation meant.

"Buffy, I—"

She interrupted him, "Spike, I really mean it, not just because we're being all emo with each other right now. I know what the invitation means and yes, you can come in." What she didn't expect was for him to be on her within seconds.

He crossed the short distance between them in one urgent stride and embraced her whole body in his arms, wrapping them around her small frame and clutching her to him. Her arms weaved under his leather jacket to embrace him back. He held her head to his chest with her hair still damp and he kissed her hair gently. She pulled back to look at him and felt confused. Their first kiss was intended to trigger their collective memory, but what would happen if they kissed now? Would it just be an amplification of their former selves or would it be real? Buffy had to know.

Spike moved his hand to run his fingers through her hair and cupped her cheek, his other hand still on her lower back. The way she was looking at him was driving him crazy, as if she was nervous but excited. Before he knew it, she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his. She kept herself steady for a second, testing how their lips felt against each other. Then she pulled back to look at him, he was in awe. When she leaned forward to kiss him again, she raised her hand to grip the side of his neck and pulled his face closer to hers. She opened her mouth and began exploring Spike's with her tongue. She could feel Spike grip her closer to him as they kissed harder, consuming each other. They stood there just inside her window kissing for what felt like forever.

Their reverie shattered by the phone ringing. Buffy leaned back, "I should get that, it's probably my mom." Spike reluctantly let her move to answer the phone.

"Hello?" Buffy tried to sound normal and not raspy from the hotness of just making out with Spike.

"Buffy? It's mom, are you okay?" Joyce was usually home by this time in the evening, so naturally she was worried about her daughter.

"Yea mom, I'm okay. Where are you?"

"Oh honey, I got stuck at the gallery. A new shipment just came in and I fear I'm going to be here forever taking inventory. What are your plans for tonight?" Joyce hoped that Buffy's determination to make some new friends worked out.

"Sounds fun mom. I'm actually going out tonight with Willow, over to the Bronze around 9."

Joyce was ecstatic, "Oh that's wonderful! I hope you have a great time. Don't stay out too late okay? I'll see you in the morning Buffy."

"Okay mom, love you." "Love you too, bye."

"Bye." Buffy set the phone back down into the cradle and turned back to Spike. "My mom is going to be at work for a while. I have until around 9 before I need to go to the Bronze. Any suggestions on how to spend the next couple of hours?" Buffy looked mischievous and nervous at the same time.

Spike walked over to her and placed his hands on her upper arms, "Buffy, I have too many suggestions." He smirked at her and raised his eyebrows, his tongue pushing against the back of his teeth.

"But first, you really need to put some bloody clothes on. You're driving me insane," he leaned forward and kissed her forehead before stepping back. He knew that any more touching with her in that towel would result in way too much touching—more than perhaps either of them was ready for right now.

Buffy blushed and kissed Spike one more time before saying, "Go take a tour of the house then while I get ready." Spike backed out of the room playfully looking on as Buffy closed the door behind him. She leaned against it as she heard his footsteps going down the hall. She felt like she had been holding her breath forever, but really it was just her nerves. The kisses they shared tonight assuaged the worries she had about their first kiss being a fluke. She was relieved that when their lips touched no flashes popped into her mind, no former selves, just present selves standing in her room vertically making out. Buffy was elated they could feel for each other without constant intrusion from their former selves. She wanted to know more about him, and she needed to feel his arms around her again.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Buffy went for the dark jeans and the light blue halter top for tonight, her sandals already downstairs near the door. She went to the bathroom, dried her hair, and put a small amount of makeup on to accentuate her eyes and cheekbones. When she was done, she padded barefoot down the stairs noticing Spike leaned back on the couch with his arms rested behind his head. His leather jacket draped over the couch arm. He immediately straightened when he saw her. She walked over to where he was on the couch and sat next to him, folding her knees underneath her. He shifted to face her and took one of her hands in his, interlinking their fingers. "Christ you're stunning."

Buffy wanted to kiss him again, she wanted to devour him and feel his hands all over her body. "You're quite a sight yourself blondie," Buffy ran her hand along his cheek, letting her index finger run along his perfect cheekbone. "So handsome," if Spike could blush, he would be right now. He leaned into her hand closing his eyes.

"Spike, our kiss just now, was that just us in there?"

Spike could sense her anxiety, "It was Buffy. There were no memories or thoughts flooding my mind about the former you, just you. Just me." He smiled knowing they had been concerned about the same thing. A look of doubt crossed her face and Spike sat up to face her, "What is it luv?"

"How do we pace ourselves knowing what we know and feeling how we feel Spike? All I want to do is jump you right now, but my rational self, albeit riddled with teenage hormones, is yelling at the back of my mind to take it slow. I've never been with anyone before, maybe a kiss here or there, but it was all stupid high school stuff, I'm only sixteen, and I don't know—" She looked down at her lap, insecure.

Spike suddenly felt ashamed and removed his hands from hers. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I'm taking advantage of you somehow, aren't I? I'm such a fucking git, I should have known better—"

Buffy was alarmed by his sudden shift in demeanor, he was acting as if he had forced her into something she didn't want, like, _oh no._

"Spike, no. Don't think that, you're not him. You're not hurting me. You could never hurt me," she leaned forward taking his face in her hands and kissed him softly. She needed to let him know that they were in this together, no matter how many worries she had about their future. She needed to let him know that she wanted him back.

Quickly their soft, exploratory kisses became hard and passionate. Spike's tongue invaded Buffy's mouth, their tongues dancing together as she shifted her knees under her to prop her up next to him. He sat back against the couch, Buffy leaning over him relishing in the feel of her lips working his. Spike's hands were roaming Buffy's back and along the outside of her thighs, his fingertips digging into her hips. She needed to feel his body against hers and she lifted one leg over his lap and straddled him. She sat down on his lap, her hands tangling in his hair and her lips kissing him hungrily. Spike grabbed Buffy's ass as she started to move in his lap, with one hand grazing the side of her stomach and the outside swell of her breast. His hand stopped at her shoulder and with one hand there and the other on her ass he stood and flipped them onto the couch, with her underneath him.

Their lips never separated as he settled himself between her legs, gently grinding his growing erection against her sweltering hot core. He kissed down her face, whispering into her ear, "I'm yours pet, I can't get enough of you." He kissed down to her neck, licking his tongue along her skin. She wonders if he will ever bite her and how would it feel. He leaned back to look at her. Her blonde hair fanned out behind her on the couch, her cheeks flushed and her eyes dark with desire. As he moved his eyes down to her chest, he can see her perfect breasts outlined in the halter-top, her nipples hard and poking at the fabric. His vampire senses allow him to smell her musky desire for him and he can only imagine how wet she is. Judging by how hard his dick was though, he could certainly hope that he had the same effect on her. She pulled him back down to kiss her and moved her lips to his cheek and his neck.

She bites him on the neck playfully and hears a low, guttural growl escape his lips. She laughs at him, "Ooo, the big bad vampire. Scary." He leaned back and looked at her with indignation, "That's bloody right. I'm evil baby." He quickly returned his mouth to her neck and bit her back, slightly harder than she bit him, but still playfully. She cannot deny how good the pressure felt, his weight on top of her, his mouth at her neck. He flips them over again and Buffy rests on top of him. They spend a few minutes just looking at each other, curious about the other's life and thoughts.

Spike breaks the silence first, "So much for taking it slow, huh?"

Buffy laughs and smiles at him, "Guess so. I still think we should get to know each other better though, you know, in between the kissing."

Spike raised his eyebrows at her, "Is that right? Ask away pet, I'm all yours." He was rubbing slow circles against her back, loving the feeling of her warmth blanketing him. Buffy pursed her lips and wiggled them from side to side, thinking of a question.

"If you weren't busy killing and maiming innocents all these years, how did you pass the time?" Spike figured the question would come up at some point and he exhaled an unneeded breath.

"Well, I wandered around a lot, tried to keep myself fed so that I didn't crack and hurt anyone. For a while the time was passing too slowly and it was too painful so I went to New Orleans and slept in a crypt for a long while," he omitted that it was after he accessed the memories of her death and he couldn't bear it.

"I don't know Buffy, I was just existing until now. Until you."

Buffy was satisfied and interested, but needed to know something else, "Did you ever love anyone? I mean 117 years is quite a long stint to just be wandering around and sleeping in crypts." She tried to play the question off innocently enough, her jealousy hidden just beneath the surface.

He could tell though, "No Buffy, I never loved anyone." _Just you, or the thought of you_, Spike thought to himself.

"But I mean, you've, you know?" She was too curious now not to follow through with her line of questioning.

Spike was intrigued, he wanted to hear her say it, "You know what Buffy?"

Buffy blushed, "Spike, you know, had sex?" She covered her face with her hands, embarrassed suddenly, Spike laughed at her.

"You're bloody cute, you know that. You want to know if I'm still a virgin?" Still covering her eyes, she nodded, pulling her fingers apart slightly to peek at him.

"I am."

Buffy removed her hands from her eyes quickly, "What?! No way, you've been around for like ever."

Spike chuckled, "Thanks for that luv. I'm serious. I wanted everything to be about you and me when we finally did meet and you can't exactly do that with loads of baggage, so I kept to myself. I'm not going to lie, I drove myself crazy sometimes. Sometimes I sought the company of travelers, remember the gypsies I told you about," Buffy nodded. "I stayed with them for a while, protecting them from hoards of vampires. But there was never anyone else Buffy, I only ever looked forward to meeting you."

Buffy bit her lip, worrying it with her teeth, "But you loved her right, the Buffy from your past." Spike closed his eyes, thinking carefully about how to respond.

"Part of me loved her, yes. The more I accessed my past though, the more I realized how much we had hurt each other. The pushing and pulling and the pain—it was too overwhelming. I passed a lot of time retreating into my mind, trying to figure out what went wrong. It took me a long time to realize how different I was from him, how different you would be from her. I fell in love with the possibility of a new life together and that kept me going, not my love for her, but the hope for a new future with you." Buffy understood completely and moved up his chest to kiss him again on the lips, her body still resting on his. He hugged her to him and enjoyed how comfortable they felt together.

She rested her head on his chest and he smoothed her hair with his hand. She thought it was strange to hear no heartbeat, while he found comfort in her pounding heart.

"We should go patrol before I go to the Bronze."

"The Bronze, huh?"

"I finally made plans with Willow to go out and I'm meeting her there at 9." Spike was glad to know that Buffy was trying to make friends, he knew that her and Red were besties before. Hell, they saved each other and the world together for years. They were practically family.

"That'll be good for you pet, you need each other." Buffy leaned up again and looked at him,

"Do you want to come?"

Spike thought about it for a second, "Sure, I'll tag along, but I'll give you and Red some space. You two have a lot of catching up to do." Buffy raised herself off his body and stood, offering her hand to him.

They stood facing each other and he played with a tendril of her hair before tucking it behind her ears, "So, patrol then?"


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

They fell into a comfortable pace beside each other as they walked through the cemetery. They kept smiling knowingly at one another, stealing the smallest of glances. Finally, they were together in the here and now and neither of them could imagine being apart again. As they rounded the corner into another section of the cemetery, Buffy stopped.

Ten feet away a vampire was crawling out of his grave, his nails digging into the disturbed dirt around him. Spike went over to a tombstone and sat down on it leisurely. He looked at her knowing she could handle herself and without a second glance at him she went over to the vampire, "Struggling there a bit Mr., er, Roberts?"

"Yea, want to give me a hand?" The vampire was frustrated, he had been trying to get out of that grave for over thirty minutes now.

"Sure," Buffy reached down, grabbed the vampire's hand, and yanked him out of the grave so he was standing.

"Thanks," he lunged at her, but she was prepared.

"That's not how you repay someone Mr. Roberts, come on now." She knelt down and swept his legs out from under him, solidly slamming him to the ground. She twirled her stake out from her jacket and plunged it into his heart. As his dust settled onto the ground, she looked up at Spike and said, "No manners." She patted off the small particles of death dust off her jacket, "Ugh, I mean really." She looked at Spike exasperated. He couldn't help but laugh at her as he started walking next to her again.

The cemetery was pretty empty tonight as they circled around a few times. They approached a part of the grounds that suddenly felt familiar to her and Buffy stopped walking. "There's something close, something that I remember," she looked around with her eyebrows knitted together.

Spike walked over to the nearest crypt and opened the door, "Well, pet this is where I've been living. You probably remember it because your former self spent a lot of time here. Begrudgingly I might add."

Buffy walked up to the door and put her hand on it and when she closed her eyes she remembered all the times she had been here. All the fighting and the passion, _the Passions, _and the, _drinking? Blegh. Oh, and the kittens_. Her eyes met his quickly with a touch of concern, "Please tell me you don't gamble with kittens anymore? I mean please tell me the badness of gambling kittens is part of the diabolical rehab package?"

Spike laughed hard, "Sometimes pet, but I don't indulge. I promise. The demons just love them."

She wrinkled her nose at him, "Oh, poor kitties."

"Do you want to invite me in?"

Spike stepped into the doorway, "And if I invite you in Ms. Summers, how do you plan on using your 24 hour pass?" He recalled their conversation earlier and decided to mess with her a little.

"Well Mr. Bloody—"

"Mr. Bloody?" Spike's eyes wide and curious.

"You know, William the Bloody, naturally your last name is Bloody."

Spike nodded, "Right, okay."

Buffy mused as she leaned in the doorway, Spike just out of her reach, "Hmm, well if invited in I'll follow your rules I suppose."

"You suppose?" Spike chuckled and reached for her hips, pulling her through the doorway to him.

"Yea, I suppose."

Spike looked down at her, "You're invited anytime Ms. Summers. My only rule is that if you sleep in my bed, we sleep naked." Buffy feigned disgust and hit him on his chest playfully,

"You're bad." Spike waggled his eyebrows at her, "Don't I know it baby."

Buffy removed herself from his embrace and walked around the crypt. She noticed that not much had changed. There was still a ladder leading down to an underground chamber, "Did you put your bed down there? Isn't it cold?"

"Not for me luv, probably a bit cold and damp for you though. We can get a heater, whatever you'd like." Buffy was happy that he was willing to make his home more livable for her. She went to the old-fashioned refrigerator and opened it.

There were dozens of bags of blood and a couple of buckets of fried chicken, "Living the high undead life there huh Spikey."

"You know it," he jumped up and sat on the cement coffin in the middle of the room.

"Why don't you get an apartment or something? You know with running water and all the amenities?" she leaned against the wall near him.

"For now I can't go out in the daylight luv, that kind of thing draws attention."

She gazed at him quizzically, "For now?" Spike shifted, leaning on his knees, "Yeah, for now. Between the flashbacks and some county records, I figure the Gem of Amara is still buried down there somewhere." He gestured to the hole in the ground with the ladder.

Buffy vaguely remembered something about that, "Is that the go-out-in-daylight, no-stake-can-kill-me, ring?" Spike nodded. "Hmm, what would you do with it?"

Spike shrugged, "Well, I would wear it. I could go out in the daytime with you."

Buffy's face was shining at the possibilities, "So you could be like my normal, everyday boyfriend?"

Spike cringed at the word, "Aren't I a little old to be your boyfriend Buffy?"

Buffy moved her head from side to side, considering it, "Fine, manfriend it is. You'll be like my out in the daylight normal everyday manfriend."

Spike nodded, giving in to her, "Sure, I'd also be stronger and less likely to burst into dust. Now that I've finally found you, I don't fancy being Ms. Summers and the big pile of dust."

Buffy could see his point, "Right, there's not much one can do with a big pile of dust. Except destroy it with a Swiffer. So, you need help finding the ring? I'm free after school this whole week. That is unless Giles has a coronary and forces me to train every day. You should have seen his face today when I told him I was going to make friends and try a hand at this life thing no matter what he said."

Spike perked up at Giles' name. He could still hear the gunshot ringing in his ears. He wanted Giles to know about everything, he wanted to remind him of their past life, but he didn't know how. He wasn't exactly going to kiss him and wait for the bright light!

"You should take it easy on him Buffy. He doesn't know anything and he's just looking out for you."

Buffy understood too well, "Oh, I know, but he's suffocating me. The death of his last slayer has him wound really tight. He's also got a lead on this nasty old vampire that's roaming the streets of Sunnydale preying on the innocent. Any thoughts who that could be?"

He quirked his head to the side and looked at her, "At least there aren't any pictures or drawings of me in those diaries. I was careful about that, so he doesn't know what I look like. It's probably best if I don't meet him until we find the ring. Meeting me during the daytime will put him off the trail."

They stared at each other for a minute before Buffy walked over to him and stood between his open legs, resting her hands on his thighs. He took her face in his hands and brought his lips down to hers. "We should get going," Spike said into her cheek as he kissed her face. Buffy was frustrated, but knew he was right. "Okay, thanks for showing me your crypt. Maybe we can work on getting you an apartment after we find the ring."

"Sounds good." They walked out into the night toward the Bronze.

They separated in the alley when Buffy saw Willow near the door with Xander. He kissed her on the neck, "I'll see you soon pet." When she turned around, he was gone.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Willow was excited to hang out with Buffy. She had seen her around school for a few months and felt strangely connected to her, but Buffy always stayed at a distance. There were rumors that she had just gotten out of drug rehab, or juvie, or a psychiatric facility—Willow knew it was something else though. She was always in class and turned her homework in on time, she just seemed sad, not addicted or crazy or violent. She stood with Xander outside the Bronze, he was shifting his legs around anxiously. He had seen Buffy around too and, just like all the other guys in their class, couldn't help staring. She was pretty, everyone knew it. She was just a little strange is all. Besides, focusing on Buffy helped Xander keep his mind off Willow, who he really wanted.

Buffy walked up to them, "Hi Willow. Xander." She smiled up to her eyes, genuinely excited to see them. "Hey Buffy!" Willow chimed as she hugged Buffy, "I'm so glad you made it. Let's go inside and find a table." Xander looked on sheepishly, "No hugs for Xander." Buffy laughed at his pout, "Yes, hugs for Xander too." They hugged and walked inside, Xander tried to hide his smile.

It was loud inside, there was a live band playing covers on stage and people playing pool. There were many people sitting at tables near the edge of the dance floor, more actually dancing. Upstairs, people lounged on couches looking down at those dancing below them. Buffy was absorbing her surroundings and she was impressed, "This place is awesome."

Willow squinted her eyes and yelled, "What?!"

Buffy said it again closer to Willow's ear, "This place is awesome!"

Willow smiled, "Yeah, it's pretty cool." Her long red hair swished behind her as she moved around searching for a table to claim. Buffy followed, Xander close behind her. She looked around noticing a lot of kids from school, it seemed this was more of a high school hangout than a college hangout. There were some older people hanging around the pool tables and upstairs though.

They found a table and sat down. "So this is where you hang out for fun huh?" Buffy asked Willow.

"Sure is. We're the coolest," Willow said sarcastically.

"I think you're pretty cool, in fact I'm labeling this the cool table from now on. Here sit we the cool people."

Willow liked Buffy, she made her feel like she wasn't some invisible geek.

"So, I've heard some things about you Buffy. Spill. What's the truth?"

Buffy leaned back surprised at Willow's question, "What have you heard?"

Just then Xander walked up with their hot chocolates and sat down, "You know, that you're addicted to drugs, had run ins with the law, or maybe were in the nuthouse. The usual." Buffy started laughing really hard, causing Willow and Xander to laugh too.

"Really? Well, that's all garbage." She wiped her eyes, "Well, maybe not the law part. I unfortunately played a part in burning down the high school gym last year, which is why I got expelled. No fun. It was a total accident. There was something way wrong with that gym." She put on her serious face.

Xander just stared at her, confused, "There was something wrong with the gym, so you burnt it down? What, did the bleachers offend you? Or was it the Go-Fight-Cheer murals everywhere, because you know those will send anyone over the edge?"

Buffy started cracking up again, "No, nothing like that. I promise to tell you both sometime. For now, I want to get to know you two. How long have you two known each other?"

Willow answered first, "It feels like forever, we went to pre-k together and we've had a love hate relationship ever since he broke my yellow crayon." She glared at Xander.

"Oh, not the yellow crayon again. Come on Wills, we're in high school now. If I broke your computer it would be a different story."

"Oh yes, Mr. Harris. That would be quite a different story, one ending with your untimely death."

Buffy giggled at the two of them play fighting with each other, "You're too cute together, have you ever dated?"

The small amount of hot chocolate Xander had in his mouth sprayed out onto an unassuming bystander, "What?! No." He was overcompensating for how he really felt about Willow, he always had a crush on her, but he kept it to himself and just pretended to like everyone else.

"What Xander meant to say, was 'No, Buffy, we're just best friends'," she mocked his deep voice as she said it.

They didn't know anything about Buffy so Willow followed her line of questioning and asked, "Why Buffy, are you dating anyone?"

Buffy looked down at her cup, the hot chocolate steaming up at her and the little marshmallows melting into small white dots. She blushed and replied, "Kind of. I just met this guy, he's older, in college."

Xander waved his head around and exaggerated his swooning teenage girl impression, "Oooo, college guy. What's his name?"

"Spike."

Willow gaped at her, "You're seeing an older college guy named Spike? Sounds romantic, in a biker and leather chaps sort of way."

Buffy's memory of Spike all leather and bourbon and with the motorcycle, she couldn't help but find the irony in Willow's statement.

"Ha ha, Willow. You'll get to meet him, he might drop by later." The truth was Buffy knew he was already there, watching her. She felt him as soon as she walked in. He was at a billiards table winning money off some poor high school kid. She longed to look over at him, but it was more fun letting him watch her.

Spike went in through the side door and got a beer from the bar along with some hot wings. Then he planted himself near the pool tables, facing the front door. She looked beautiful and happy when she walked in with her friends. She deserved to be happy and he smiled as he saw them laughing together. He started playing pool with some cocky kid looking to show off to his friends—too bad he was losing, badly. _At least the poor git's stupidity paid for the hops and wings_. The music changed to something upbeat and he saw Buffy, Willow, and Xander get up from their table to go to the dance floor. Spike watched on with interest as Xander and Buffy practically dragged Willow by her arms to dance with them. Her smile was infectious, she could probably convince anyone to do anything for her. The three of them finally made it out to the dance floor and started dancing together in a loose circle.

They fell into an easy flow, the music washing over them. She finally felt like she was living, out with friends, dancing, listening to cool music. _My undead soul mate watching me from across the room,_ she grinned to herself as she lifted her arms above her head grooving to the music. Xander was watching Willow closely, trying to be nonchalant about it. Buffy noticed it though and wondered how things would turn out for them this time around—_only time would tell_. The beat changed and the band started playing something slow and romantic. The three of them stopped still, not sure of what to do next. Xander looked anxiously at Willow and then away.

"Come on Xander, let's have a dance." Xander was excited to feel Willow's slender arms wrap around his neck. Buffy was glad to see them getting along, even if Xander was hiding how he really felt.

Willow looked at Buffy and she moved her head, suggesting Buffy look behind her. Buffy didn't have to look, she knew he was there before he even touched her shoulder. When she turned around, she was face to face with Spike, his crystal blues eyes staring at her.

"Shall we dance, luv?" She nodded and placed her arms around Spike's neck, her fingers rubbing softly against his neck.

"You smell incredible," he whispered to her with his face buried in her hair. "It looks like you're having a good time."

Buffy met his eyes with hers, "I really am. Even though it took me a while to get out here with them, I'm glad I did. I need these connections to the world."

Spike nodded in agreement, "Yes, you do. And they need you Buffy, they don't know it yet, but you all need each other." She leaned her into his chest as they swayed to the music.

When Xander caught a glimpse of Buffy and her dancing companion he gulped, "Willow, do you think that's the guy? I know she said older, but she didn't say anything about the cheekbones. And he sounds British to me, do you hear that? Gah. Girls love accents."

Willow laughed at him, "Ah, Xander. I would say that is him, supermodel cheeks and all." She was secretly cheering her new friend on, Spike was gorgeous, older yeah, but Christ, look at him! The two pairs danced comfortably to the music near each other and when the music ended, they moved back to the table.

They all leaned on the high top table and Willow and Xander stared at Spike suspiciously. Willow spoke up first, "So, Buffy, who's blonde bombshell here."

Spike laughed a deep laugh, "Hi Willow, I'm Spike."

His British accent caught her by surprise. "Buffy, you didn't say he was Mr. International over here." Buffy shrugged apologetically.

He reached out his hand to shake Willow's and she noticed it was unusually cold, "Leather doesn't quite hold the temperature does it? Maybe you should look into wool or a space heater or something."

Spike rubbed his hands together, "Yeah, it's a bit drafty in here. And you're Xander?"

Xander perked up at his name, "Sorry, yes. Xander is me. I was distracted by the 1980s floating around you, is that back in or something? Should I be using peroxide, maybe that's why I never get any dates," Xander shook Spike's hand and shook his head.

"You're both funny, you know that? I like your chaps Buffy."

Buffy smiled and Willow jumped in, "Besides your British, 80s rocker thing you have going on, what else should we know about you Spike?"

Spike figured they would ask so he came up with a story already, "Well, I've been taking classes over at the college."

Willow loved school and the thought of going to college excited her more than most things, "Ooo, college. What types of classes?"

"I started taking classes back in England, they really nurtured my love of writing and reading, so naturally I started taking courses on literature and English when I arrived here a few years ago. Specifically, I enjoy poetry and 19th century literature. I write a lot, I'm actually taking a break this semester since I need to catch up on my writing."

Willow and Xander were seemingly enthralled by Spike's tale, and perhaps his accent. Buffy couldn't help but be enthralled by him too, he was dripping with sex and intrigue, _and I get to go home with him! And I've seen him naked, more than once..kind of!_ Buffy was doing her happy dance inside her mind, her smile huge on her face.

Spike looked at Buffy noticing her beaming at him, impressed. Spike coughed a little and put on his concerned eyes, "Buffy, what time did your mom want you home? It's getting kind of late."

Buffy looked at her watch, it was 11:30pm, "You're right Spike, ever the gentleman this one. I've had a wonderful time you two, this place is awesome. We should come here again."

Willow nodded excitedly, "For sure, Xander and I are here a lot. We also do movie nights sometimes, you're both totally welcome."

Buffy was excited about the invitation, "Willow that sounds great. I need to catch up on my movies anyhow. We can make plans at school." Buffy walked over to Willow and Xander and hugged them both, Spike shook their hands and said how glad he was to have met them.

"We'll hang out again soon, and I'll see you in school tomorrow," Buffy said as she and Spike walked away from the table.

As they walked back to Buffy's house, Buffy couldn't stop talking about Xander and Willow. "I mean they're so great. They get me, we're like on the same wavelength. Not just because I know we were meant to be best friends, but they are super awesome. I'm so glad I went. They don't need to know about me being the slayer quite yet, I'll get around to it. I'm just so happy they're finally in my life."

She looked at him as she was frantically waving her hands in excitement and he was smiling at her. He was so beautiful. Buffy grabbed his hand in hers intertwining their fingers together.

"I'm so glad you're finally in my life," then she stepped up to kiss him. The feeling of his cool lips on hers was exhilarating and she deepened the kiss for a moment before he pulled away.

"Come on luv, let's get you home." He didn't fancy the idea of some vampires sneaking up on them kissing in the middle of the street. He clasped her hand in his as they walked.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Joyce's jeep still wasn't in the driveway when they got home. When they entered the house, Buffy slipped off her shoes by the door and padded over to check the answering machine. There was a message from her mom saying she was going to be another few hours and probably wouldn't be home until after 2am. Spike was leaning against the wall, one ankle propped on the other and his arms crossed in front of him. Buffy yawned, it had been an incredibly long and exciting day for her.

"You tired pet?" Spike walked over to her kissing her forehead.

"As if the yawn didn't give me away. Yeah, but I'm not ready for you to go yet." She pouted at him.

"Who said anything about leaving?" he smirked at her and lifted her into his arms. He carried her upstairs and deposited her softly onto her bed.

She was watching him intensely, wondering what he was going to do next. Spike shrugged off his leather jacket and placed it by the window. When he came back to the end of the bed, he crawled up the bed leaving small kisses all over her clothed body. He planted a hard kiss on her lips before he flipped to the side to gaze at her.

"So, how do you usually get ready for bed? Do you have a naked rule too?" Spike's tongue pressed the back of teeth as he grinned naughtily at her.

Buffy turned on her side to face him, "No, I don't Spike. At least not yet."

"Is that right? I'll just have to persuade you then," Spike turned onto his back and propped his head back on his arm, and grabbed Mr. Gordo with the other. Buffy rubbed her hand over Spike's chest, feeling his muscles under his thin black t-shirt.

"I'm going to go get ready for bed, are you going to be here when I get back?" she stood up from the bed and moved to the side where he was laying.

"Only if you want me to be."

Buffy leaned forward and kissed him firmly on his mouth, "I fully expect you to be right here when I get back." Spike watched her skip off and held on to Mr. Gordo a little tighter, relief smoothing the worry lines on his face. _She wants me to stay. _

Buffy went to the bathroom and closed the door. She leaned on the counter and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked tired, but so much happier than she was two days ago. Her life was finally coming together, it wasn't going to be all darkness and battles anymore. She could have joy and friends and love—_love._ Her eyes brightened at the prospect of love, a consuming and total love. _Spike. Do I love him? What's not to love?_

She started fighting with herself in her mind as she brushed her teeth. _Christ Buffy! You've only known him for a few days, come on now. _

_Sure, a couple of days, but I have years of knowing him from before. Sure, we're different in some ways, but I still know a lot more about him than most other people get when they meet someone. I have a cosmic background check at will in my brain. When he looks at me I know what it means, when he kisses me I can feel what he feels. This is way more than love, this is destiny. _

_Whoa, destiny? You were balking at destiny when it made you the slayer, but now that it makes you the hot undead's girlfriend you're like yippee? Way to stay consistent Buffy._

She shook her head in frustration. It wasn't about being rational, it was about being human and living her life to its fullest, _right? _

She didn't know what was right or wrong, she just knew that being with Spike felt so good, so perfect. She changed out of her clothes and slipped on her long nightshirt that splayed off her shoulder slightly and then tied her hair up in a loose bun. Buffy looked at herself one more time in the mirror, _I hope you know what you're doing Summers_.

She flipped off the switch and walked back into her bedroom. Spike was lying where she left him. He had only removed his boots and his belt, his shirt was now untucked. Buffy stood in the doorway as Spike shifted his gaze to her. "There you go again, almost as bad as the towel. You're going to sleep in that are you?" Spike sat up in her bed and hung one leg off the side as he placed Mr. Gordo on the nightstand.

She nodded, "Are you going to sleep like that?"

Spike looked amused, but hesitant, "You want me to sleep here?"

Buffy nodded again, "Just listen for my mom and be scarce if she comes to open the door. You can stay as long as you want to though. I want you to stay."

"Okay, Buffy. I'll stay. I'm going to leave before the sun rises though, okay? I don't want you waking up to a pile of dust." She understood, but was sad that she would wake up alone in the morning.

Spike stood and walked over to her. His arm moved behind her to shut the bedroom door, turning the lock just to be careful. "How do you want me to sleep Buffy?"

His eyes were dark and intense as they locked on hers. Buffy reached her hands down to the hem of his t-shirt and started to lift it up. He raised his arms up, keeping his eyes locked on hers as she lifted the shirt up and off him. She tossed the shirt to the ground as she scanned her eyes down his finely chiseled chest and abs, her fingers itching to touch him. She returned her eyes to his and her hands found their way to the top of his jeans. As she started to undo the button, Spike inhaled an unneeded breath and closed his eyes, willing himself to calm down. She stilled her hands for a second before he opened his eyes and nodded. She unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, pulling them slightly down off his angular hips, careful not to touch the waistband of his briefs. Spike finished kicking off his pants and they stood in front of each other nearly bare and unsure of what to do next.

Buffy couldn't help herself. Her fingertips traced the lines of hips and moved up along his stomach muscles to his chest, her palms rubbing against his pecks as she travelled up to his face. When her eyes met his again, she whispered, "Spike," her voice was heady with longing—it sent him over the edge.

His hands darted to her hips and he pulled her body to his, his hands reaching down to her ass he lifted her up, her legs wrapping instantly around him. His fingers dug into her thighs as he held her to him, he could feel her small breasts trapped against his chest. His lips crushed hers and his tongue thrust into her mouth, no longer exploring, but claiming. Her hands were feverish in his hair, around his neck, gripping his face to hers. He walked them over to the bed and laid her down, he settled between her legs as he followed her onto the mattress.

Spike's hand ran along the outside of Buffy's thigh as her nightshirt rode up her hips. She was wearing lace boy shorts and when his hand grazed her bare ass cheek he continued moving it up under her shirt, gripping her bare hip and stomach. Their kisses deepened as Buffy's hands clutched at his back, moving down to grip his ass. She loved the feeling of his muscular cheeks in her hands as she squeezed him hard. She could feel the impressive length of his hard dick pressing into her leg through his briefs, her pussy was getting wetter at the feeling of him gyrating against her core. Spike reached his hand down between them and cupped her clothed pussy, pushing the heel of his hand into her clit. Buffy moaned softly into his mouth, she had never been touched that way before and it was amazing. Too tempted he brought his hand back to her stomach with the fingers of his other hand entangled in her hair. He stopped kissing her and rested his forehead on hers, stilling his body above hers. Buffy's breathing was erratic and her skin flushed as she opened her eyes to his. His eyes were hooded, heavy with longing.

"Buffy, we should stop," Spike said quietly. As much as they both wanted to continue their salacious dry humping, they knew they had to pause for a bit. Neither of them was ready yet—ready to cross that irrevocable line. _Soon_, they both thought, _but not today_.

Buffy pressed her lips to his quickly, "I know."

He rolled to the side, still keeping his hands on her and wrapping his arm firmly around her waist as he pulled her back to his front. She reached over to the nightstand, set her alarm, and turned off the light. She settled back into Spike's arms, her body warming his.

He kissed her shoulder near her neck and nuzzled her ear, "Now that I have you, I'm never letting you go."

She nestled back into his spooned form and responded softly, "Don't ever let me go. My life makes sense now that you're here, I couldn't bear to lose you. Not now, not ever. "

Spike was relieved at her admission, "We're together now, we belong with each other."

The feeling of her against him, soft, warm, and safe, was incredible. He wanted to stay here forever, but he knew they had obstacles ahead, battles to fight and lives to live. He didn't have all the answers, all he knew for now was how good it felt to have her in his arms. They closed their eyes and for the first time in their lives, they felt complete.


End file.
